This week it has been Hebrews 10-12 and James 1. Hebrews and James have always been two of my favorite books. They are so packed with insight that has been very important to me. I don't know if my life's message is perseverance, but it definitely feels like that is what the last nine years especially have been about. I can't name all the times I have wanted to give up and then they Lord inevitably has me go back to these scriptures and I begin to press in again.
Last night I had a major pity party. I won't go into the details because they are gruesome and unnecessary.... not really, but it makes the reading a little more interesting.
Anyway, we had put the boys to bed and I was exhausted and inevitably that is when the enemy hits me with discouragement, always. I've learned to never make major decisions when I am tired because everything looks darker at that point. So I was having this pity party and wanted to just give up call the doctor, schedule surgery and "get on with my life"..... something so many people have "advised" us to do.
My ever wise and amazing husband listened to me and cried with me and just was quiet. Then he asked if I wanted him to pray with me. I said "yes" and he didn't do much other than invite the Holy Spirit to show me where He is in all of this. Immediately I remembered something that happened a few months ago.
We were on our way up to Oregon for vacation and we stopped in one of our favorite places, Bethel church in Redding CA. This church is amazing in an of itself and after listening to much of their teaching and reading 3 or 4 of their books and visiting the church on and off for years we have grown to love and respect these people immensely. They have a prayer house on the grounds of their church and it is beautiful. One of the few places where you can tangibly feel the presence of the Lord. When we are passing thru we stop there and take turns praying and watching the boys.
So, it was my turn to go pray. I walked into the prayer room and it was a little more "busy" than usual. As I walked in I saw a young woman sitting near the door and the Lord told me that she had a word for me. I didn't make eye contact with her, I just took that and went and sat down a ways away from her and began praying. I was really getting touched by God and just enjoying His presence. I didn't know what to read in my Bible, so I waited and the Lord told me to read Luke 18. As I opened it I recognized the story of the "unrighteous judge". I won't get into it here, but you need to read it.... So I read that, a story of a woman who begs an unrighteous judge for justice and finally he grants it to her just because she is a pest basically.
As I finished the story I felt someone at my side so I looked up and this woman that I has seen earlier was there. She said "I don't mean to bother you but I just have a word for you." I smiled and wanted to say "yeah, I know..." but I just listened. She said, "I feel like the Lord is saying you don't need to beg him, He will answer you, and also that you are beautiful."
I was so amazed. The Lord was making it very clear that I needed to come to him as a daughter comes to her loving father, just knowing that He will do it for me, not begging. The second part I didn't really understand. Why would she feel like I needed her to say I was beautiful, but the funny thing is that that was about the 3rd time I had had someone at Bethel tell me I was beautiful in the last year. I don't think I've ever struggled with low self esteem so I thought that was interesting.
So last night I was discouraged and desperate and He reminded me of that word and I immediately received peace. One of the things that I've really struggled with is my changing facial features. Truly not something many notice, but I can tell.... The Dr. says it will return to normal when the tumor is gone, but in the meantime it has been very difficult, especially in the last few months...
My loving Father really took special time to minister to me last night thru remembering that word. I heard someone say a while ago that "the Lord never takes you into a storm He hasn't equipped you to overcome". Last nights battle was proof of that. As soon as I remembered that word I received instant peace and woke this morning with great joy.
Our God is so amazing. He longs for relationship with us, truly. That makes me happy.
Read Hebrews 10-12 for some encouragement.
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