Status

Having a  blog has been such a weird experience for me because I'm never sure who is reading and therefore I'm not sure what to share or how to share certain things. One thing I haven't been sharing is HOW I am doing. I thought I'd take some time to update all of you on how we are doing physically and not just spiritually.

By now you know a lot about what is going on spiritually.... I truly am amazed at the closeness of the Lord through this valley. I suppose I should rephrase that. I guess I should say, I'm grateful for the valley because it makes me more aware of how close He is and has caused me to draw closer to Him. He never moves, I do. He has been holding me and speaking to me and ministering to me in ways that have truly blown my mind.

Physically, I am dealing with some pain everyday. I am still feeling the tumor pressing on certain areas of my brain. That feels a little unnerving at times. That is the only thing I really feel that is uncomfortable, I'm so grateful for that.

We are praying about quite a few things right now. Without going into too much detail, we are dealing with some changes here in California. We are taking time to fast and pray about what is going on and what our response should be, on all of this we will keep you posted when the unclear details become more concrete. For now we covet your prayers for wisdom and peace. 

Thank you all for loving us and for all your encouragement along the way. We are extremely puzzled by some circumstances, but greatly at peace. 

My healer

Last night I got some time alone. Daniel was at prayer at the church and I had put the boys to bed and it was so nice to just sit down and pour my heart out to the Lord. As I was praying the Lord told me to go back to my journal and read about this last year or so and what He has been teaching me. 

So I did, I went back and it was so amazing. If I have any "advice" for going through a season like this, or any season for that matter, it is to keep a journal. Especially a journal of what the Lord has said and is saying. Last night was profound for me.

All along I've been telling people that when the Lord woke me up early that November morning last year and told me to cancel surgery that he said he "was going to heal me".... When I went back and looked at my journal last night I realized what He really said is "I want to be your healer". Now I know that doesn't sound very different or profound to some, but for me it was revolutionary.

It means so much because what is going on doesn't necessarily have to do with an "event"... the tumor disappearing... but it focuses on a relationship. All along He has been healing me. He has been showing me things that He wants me to get rid of and pinpointing faulty thinking that I've had all my life that has been unfounded and even destructive. 

This small revelation changes my outlook completely. It takes away the disappointment of dealing with the every-day-ness of this illness. Secondly it creates an anticipation for what He is going to "heal" today. Finally, it is going to be an ongoing thing that only makes me stronger, gives me more to give away and creates an anticipation for a relationship that will thrive far beyond the manifestation of my physical healing.

How amazing is that!!! 

Salvation

Last night we were sitting on our bed. It was almost time to put our little guys to bed and we were reading a Bible story and then praying together. As usual Micah was restless and wanting to just run around instead of sitting still, Ethan was riveted to the story. 

As we finished we prayed together, we asked to boys to just wait on the Lord with us. After about a minute of waiting we asked them if they had gotten a picture from the Lord. Ethan had a picture of a guy jumping into some flames. He said it was a really cool picture and he felt heat on his arms. We asked Micah if he saw anything. He said "Yes, I saw a picture of the enemy and he was lighting a house on fire".... at this point I thought he was just copying his brother, but I continued to listen. He continued "then the enemy put a little boy in the house and was trying to hurt him with the fire, but Jesus came and killed the enemy and rescued the little boy." We asked him who the little boy was and he pointed to himself.

After that we asked him if he wanted to pray and ask Jesus into his heart. He said yes and prayed the sweetest prayer with his daddy. I wish we could have had it recorded. We had the pleasure of leading both our children to the Lord, but I don't think I could ever get tired of that amazing experience. It's usually the "everyday" things that turn into something amazing.

I love Vacation Bible School!!!

I have had an amazing week of being spoiled. The boys have been in Vacation Bible School all week. So from 9 to noon everyday I just enjoy a cup of coffee and 3 uninterrupted hours with the Lord!!! It's been amazing! I've found myself journaling pages and pages and having the ability to pour over the passages the Lord is speaking to me through.

This week it has been Hebrews 10-12 and James 1. Hebrews and James have always been two of my favorite books. They are so packed with insight that has been very important to me. I don't know if my life's message is perseverance, but it definitely feels like that is what the last nine years especially have been about. I can't name all the times I have wanted to give up and then they Lord inevitably has me go back to these scriptures and I begin to press in again.

Last night I had a major pity party. I won't go into the details because they are gruesome and unnecessary.... not really, but it makes the reading a little more interesting.

Anyway, we had put the boys to bed and I was exhausted and inevitably that is when the enemy hits me with discouragement, always. I've learned to never make major decisions when I am tired because everything looks darker at that point. So I was having this pity party and wanted to just give up call the doctor, schedule surgery and "get on with my life"..... something so many people have "advised" us to do.

My ever wise and amazing husband listened to me and cried with me and just was quiet. Then he asked if I wanted him to pray with me. I said "yes" and he didn't do much other than invite the Holy Spirit to show me where He is in all of this. Immediately I remembered something that happened a few months ago.

We were on our way up to Oregon for vacation and we stopped in one of our favorite places, Bethel church in Redding CA. This church is amazing in an of itself and after listening to much of their teaching and reading 3 or 4 of their books and visiting the church on and off for years we have grown to love and respect these people immensely. They have a prayer house on the grounds of their church and it is beautiful. One of the few places where you can tangibly feel the presence of the Lord. When we are passing thru we stop there and take turns praying and watching the boys.

So, it was my turn to go pray. I walked into the prayer room and it was a little more "busy" than usual. As I walked in I saw a young woman sitting near the door and the Lord told me that she had a word for me. I didn't make eye contact with her, I just took that and went and sat down a ways away from her and began praying. I was really getting touched by God and just enjoying His presence. I didn't know what to read in my Bible, so I waited and the Lord told me to read Luke 18. As I opened it I recognized the story of the "unrighteous judge". I won't get into it here, but you need to read it....  So I read that, a story of a woman who begs an unrighteous judge for justice and finally he grants it to her just because she is a pest basically.

As I finished the story I felt someone at my side so I looked up and this woman that I has seen earlier was there. She said "I don't mean to bother you but I just have a word for you." I smiled and wanted to say "yeah, I know..." but I just listened. She said, "I feel like the Lord is saying you don't need to beg him, He will answer you, and also that you are beautiful."

I was so amazed. The Lord was making it very clear that I needed to come to him as a daughter comes to her loving father, just knowing that He will do it for me, not begging. The second part I didn't really understand. Why would she feel like I needed her to say I was beautiful, but the funny thing is that that was about the 3rd time I had had someone at Bethel tell me I was beautiful in the last year. I don't think I've ever struggled with low self esteem so I thought that was interesting.

So last night I was discouraged and desperate and He reminded me of that word and I immediately received peace. One of the things that I've really struggled with is my changing facial features. Truly not something many notice, but I can tell.... The Dr. says it will return to normal when the tumor is gone, but in the meantime it has been very difficult, especially in the last few months...

My loving Father really took special time to minister to me last night thru remembering that word. I heard someone say a while ago that "the Lord never takes you into a storm He hasn't equipped you to overcome". Last nights battle was proof of that. As soon as I remembered that word I received instant peace and woke this morning with great joy.

Our God is so amazing. He longs for relationship with us, truly. That makes me happy.

Read Hebrews 10-12 for some encouragement.

More amazing insight

God totally rocks. Can I just say I have been amazed at the revelations He is giving us. One thing I can say about trials is that they draw us deeper and make us still so that our ear is very attentive to what He is saying and our hearts are very open to what He wants to do. He has my undivided attention.

One of my favorite books as of late is Malachi. It's a funny little book, the last one in the Old Testament and if you've never read it I challenge you to take a look... it has the potential to rock your world. Especially Chapter 3 and 4. But I'm not going to get into Malachi today....

The Lord has been talking to me through Hebrews this week. Hebrews has always been one of my favorite books and no matter how many times I read these amazing books packed into the Bible I am always changed, always seeing new things.

This week I was reading Chapter 2 of Hebrews. This particular section is talking about Jesus and declaring His victory in everything. The 7th and 8th verse says: 

"You made Him a little lower than the angels; you crowned him with glory and honor and put everything under his feet.' In putting everything under him, God left nothing that is not subject to him. Yet at present we do not see everything subject to him. But we see Jesus...."

I have this section underlined over and over in my Bible. It's so amazing and answers exactly what I am facing!!! It talks about Jesus and how the Lord crowned Him with glory and honor and gave Him terrific authority over EVERYTHING! Then it says, so hey, if Jesus has authority over everything and He is amazingly good and kind then why are there still horrible things that happen? 

It doesn't necessarily answer the "why" of it all, but it does tell us where to put our focus. But we see Jesus!!!! That is my journey in a nutshell. I know that God has made everything and has given his Son for us and has subject everything to be under the authority of Him..... even though it looks like everything isn't under His authority, we have to keep our eyes on Jesus and eventually His glory will outshine every other thing.

Some questions

I thought I'd take some time to answer a few questions we get asked on a regular basis so that you all will feel a little more up-to-date with us as we continue toward healing.

#1 Are you still seeing a Dr.? No, I am not under the continued care of a Dr. I will go in for my annual check ups etc. with my ob/gyn, but as far as the surgeon, endocrinologist or physicians at UCLA, I am not seeing them for "updates" on this tumor. I didn't see a need as they would just tell me the same thing they did at the beginning.

#2 Will we ever consider surgery? Only if the Lord says to. Yes, we are open to that, although I can't imagine going down a road this far and having to make that decision for surgery, but we continue to stay open to the Lord, we never assume anything, including that surgery is not an option.

#3 Is it growing? According to the original diagnosis of agromagaly, the tumor will continue to grow. 

#4 Once it's gone will it come back? No. The Doctor said this type does not return once it is removed, unless it isn't removed completely.

#5 Is it malignant? No, this type of tumor is not malignant. Thank you Jesus.

#6 Can  you feel it? No, most days I don't know it is there. Except for the discomfort of a ring that doesn't come off I really don't realize it is there. Some days I feel a bit of pressure behind my eyes, but not often.

#7 What is your time frame? We have no time frame. Our lives are in the Lord's care and He is taking very good care of us.

#8 How can we pray? Please pray for healing first of all. Even if you have no faith for that, we do, so pray anyway :o) Also, for wisdom and peace and direction. 

Hope this helps some. Thanks for the Love and concern and most of all for the prayers. If you are reading this, you have most likely been invited into our lives by us personally or by someone who loves us, in that case please know we love you and appreciate your love for us.

One of my favorite chapters

Daniel and I are reading an amazing book I think everyone should read. It is essential for the Christian life and how we view ourselves in light of what the Bible says about who we are. We are only a few chapters in, but have already been deeply impacted by this book. The book is called "The Supernatural Ways of Royalty" by Kris Vallotton and Bill Johnson. 

One of my favorite chapters in this book is called "lizards in the palace". The essence of this chapter is lost without the story he begins the chapter with. It's a simple story about an interaction between his two grandchildren. One of them is a little boy who is 3 years old and his cousin, a girl who is 5. Although the boy is younger he is actually bigger than his cousin. They finished watching a special on TV about lizards and crocodiles. The little girl decides she will be the crocodile and her younger (but stronger) cousin will be the lizard. 

As the story progresses she continually tells her cousin that he is weaker than she is, even though he easily pins her down in a wrestling match and eventually the only thing he can do as a lizard is use his mouth to lick....

The analogy the author was making is that often times the enemy tells us that we are powerless. He "names" us and it is never anything powerful. It is always something meaningless or dis - empowering. His tactic is to keep us from knowing who we really are, if we know WHO we are then we will know WHAT we were born to do and HOW we can change the world. 

I love this analogy, I think each of us dreams about changing the world around us, and if you haven't dreamed about changing the world then perhaps it is because you haven't been awakened to who you really are. Changing the world doesn't necessarily mean that you will move in the public eye, but if you change the circumstances of one individual or place then you have changed the world, and we all do that everyday, for the good and for the bad.....

Happy News

My mom called today with wonderful news. My dad has been experiencing pain in the last few weeks... he wasn't sure if it was just the aches and pains of growing older or the craziness of his job (painting houses) or some bit of the cancer coming back. Somehow when there is something like this in your life the fear of it rearing it's head is always there and the Lord really wants you to deal with it.

My dad had a blood test today and the Dr. called them to tell them everything in the test was completely normal. Absolutely no cancer!!!

So amazing! God is so good.