Suddenly

Whenever we get the chance to get away to a conference of some kind I always like to take the time to find out what I received while I was there because I know that it isn't always what I thought it would be.

At the beginning of September we were at a conference and a person we did not know and who did not know us or our situation came up to us and told us, "I feel like the Lord is saying that your answer is coming in 9 months"... at that time we didn't realize we were dealing with a brain tumor, so at first I thought maybe I was pregnant. We were so excited. When we realized I wasn't pregnant we began asking the  Lord about that word. I was so tempted to be discouraged. Then the Lord gave me peace and has not let me forget that word.

June is the 9 month mark. Today is the last day of June. Now, I know how prophecy works. I could take that word and say, "Well that guy missed it"... or I could say "I must have done something to make that word null and void in my life" or I could say "the Lord really doesn't care and he is either going to leave me in this state or I'm going to have to get surgery and have to consider these 9 months a complete loss..." 

Believe me, all of those thoughts have crossed my mind. But then I remember who God is and what He is saying about my situation. Psalm 62 says "One thing God has spoken, two things have I heard: that you, O God, are strong, and that you, O Lord, are loving."

That is very good news. Not only is God strong, but He is loving. If He were only strong then I would trust his strength but not be able to hope that His strength would be exercised on my behalf. If He were only loving then I would enjoy his love and pleasure in me but just as my husband loves me he can't do anything about this tumor. Thankfully, the Lord is loving and Strong. That not only gives me joy, it gives me amazing peace.

So, I heard this awesome teaching this last week about the idea of "suddenly" in the Word of God. I am looking for the "suddenly" when the Lord will break into my circumstance. It's like pregnancy. It takes a process to actually get pregnant and then it takes time during the pregnancy for the actual birth, but when labor hits, it all culminates in a "suddenly" moment when that baby arrives.

 

Isaiah 48:3 "I foretold the former things long ago, my mouth announced them and I made them known; then suddenly I acted, and they came to pass."

I was discouraged last night. Especially about the fact that this process has been so public. I don't want it to end in anything but the fulness of what the Lord has said. The Lord comforted me with this scripture this morning. He said, first you make  prophetic declaration, in my case it was "I am canceling surgery because God is going to heal me", then you make a proclamation over and over again, making the declaration known, "I know God wants to heal me, He hasn't healed me yet, but I know He will". Then when the Lord brings the opportunity you act and the thing will come to pass. The "suddenly" in this passage was quite a process. It doesn't seem like a "suddenly" at all. But that is just the idea, that when we wait, patiently endure, hear the Lord, stand, believe, press in, grow..... the "suddenly" explodes out and our miracle breaks forth.

So, my prayer is that the "suddenly" will break through. You know you are ready for your baby to come when you look forward to the pain of labor to begin. I feel like I'm 9 months pregnant and I'm looking for the "labor" to begin.

we're home

Daniel and I got back from Florida a couple days ago. It was so fun to see our boys. We really really missed them, I'm afraid we missed them more than they missed us. Our trip home was interesting. We had gone to sleep at 2 am and then had to get up at 4:30 am to get to the airport on time, so we were functioning on 2 1/2 hours of sleep all day and that was quite painful at times, but we really felt the grace of God.

We had such a wonderful time. We had the best trip ever. No complications of any kind. We enjoyed everything. Had several amazing opportunities to minister to other people and pray for them and that was definitely a highlight.

I think one of the major things the Lord did is break off all the heaviness that comes from living in California. Most people here are so naturally unkind and isolated. I have been amazed how much we had gotten used to that and bought into that over the past years... We felt like we came alive again in a way by just getting away.

We went to this Revival outpouring that is going on in Florida right now. We've been watching it happen for about 2 months now, the Outpouring has lasted 3 months now and so many people have been saved and healed and even raised from the dead, and it's been amazing to watch. If you haven't heard about it you can watch it on God.tv on the internet or if you have direct tv it's on there also. Anyway, we enjoyed the worship, the teachings, just the presence of the Lord and getting together with almost 10,000 people every night who are from all over the world and hungry for a new move of God.

Since we've been back I feel like I've been given new glasses to see out of. Even just yesterday going about doing my errands with the boys I just began asking the Lord for opportunities to touch other people and not just be in "go" mode. I saw three different people that I got to minister to... it was so amazing. One had just lost her baby the weekend before so I got to pray with her, another is beginning to search for Jesus and I gave her a word of knowledge that the Lord had spoken to me about her and she was blown away and so overwhelmed that the Lord had  spoken specifically about her to me, and the third was a woman who lost her dad to cancer 3 years ago and hasn't ever recovered from that, she is just now coming back to the Lord and Daniel and I got to pray over her and minister to her thru some prophecy....... So amazing how many opportunities we have when we are simply willing to step  out.

Anyway, it was great to go, it's great to be back. Thank you to everyone who prayed for us while we were away.

Good Samaritans

The Lord is so amazing. We are here in Florida. We've come down here for a healing conference that is going on here and has been going on for almost 3 months now. Last night was our first night of meetings and it was really awesome. Just to get together with almost 10,000 other believers and pray and worship is so powerful. 

So I don't have time to go into how amazing this trip has been. From the plane ride to the hotels that have been superior to the provision etc. etc....

Right now we were on our way to a meeting and we had to stop and get our morning cup of coffee at Starbucks. As we were leaving the parking lot we saw a car stopped in the road and an elderly woman getting out. We realized she had a flat tire. We pulled over to help and as Daniel got started on fixing the tire I chatted with Maggie.

It turns out that Maggie is a spirit filled Christian and she found out about my health and asked to pray for me. She grabbed my hands and began praying a powerful prayer and kept saying, "God uses me for things like this".... I was overwhelmed.  I felt the presence of God fall and was overcome with peace. Maggie said, "I knew you had to be Christians" I said "We stopped expecting to minister to you, and you were the one that ministered to us!!!" What an amazing God appointment. 

There truly are no coincidences. Now we are late for our meeting, but we are overwhelmed by God's agenda and not our own!!!

The heat is on!!!!!!!!!!!

Hello everyone. We've just had one crazzzzy week. Micah's kid party, which included 6 adults and 16 kids! Crazy, but fun. The next day was a birthday party for a girl in Ethan's class at school, very fun but it was 107 degrees... ugh. Then more heat the last 3 day including today and into tomorrow, well over 100 degrees. Makes for a very Not happy momma.

Anyway, we have reached Friday and we are still alive, and the heat is supposed to subside by monday. Thank you Lord!

Daniel and I are taking a trip to Florida for 5 days. We would love your prayers. We haven't been away from the boys for that long especially that far away. So we are a little apprehensive but they will be in great  hands with Daniel's parents. We will be attending a conference there, unfortunately we are going from a very dry, heat to a very humid heat, pray for grace for us.

Thank you all and I look forward to reporting in later next week to tell you all how it went.

Happy Father's Day

My Dad Rocks!!! He and Mom just stopped by, quite literally on their way to a conference. It was so fun to see them, even though it was for less than 24hrs. The boys were surprised and elated to see Saba and Safda. I was delighted to get to hand Dad his Father's day card and hug him instead of having to mail it.

My Dad has always been amazingly generous. Generous with his time (I think he mentors 3 or 4 people right now) and generous with his belongings. He lives with a Kingdom mindset. He keeps the things of God before him at all times. His battle against cancer has inspired and encouraged me beyond anything I can put into words. He didn't battle it the "normal" way, when he received the diagnosis he fought with Word of God and by God's amazing grace he won!!! He is one of my heroes and I grow in love and respect for him everyday.

Our boys love sitting with Saba and making creative things. This trip it was paper airplanes and they loved it.

One thing I love most about him is his sensitivity to the Word of God. I can't remember a time when he has preached where he didn't allow the Word of God to pierce his heart and he always cries! I Love that!!! I'm convinced that he is one of God's favorite ones!

My other favorite Dad is my sweet husband. Daniel has loved being a Daddy from the moment we knew Ethan was on the way. When we first married he, like most men, never thought about fatherhood, but there is no one who has taken on a role and worn it with more grace and pride and my sweetie. 

He only wanted 2 kids when we got married, I thought 4 sounded like a nice number so we compromised and decided on 3. Since this battle with my body has stolen our ability to "choose" when and how many children we get to have, our longing for more has only increased. The Lord has told both of us that we will have a daughter and I ache to see the day that he gets to have that joy.

My favorite sound is the squeals of pure joy when my boys wrestle with their daddy. The boys squeal too :o) 

Daniel preached at church this morning. He spoke on what Father God looks like and how we can see the perfect representation of the Father in the Son, Jesus Christ. How salvation and healing are two sides of the same coin. He did an Amazing job. He spoke out of his experience and his heart and it was not only powerful, but a beautiful revelation of the great great love of God the Father. I've never heard a better Father's Day message. You can listen to it on our podcast, gw4s.com,  it will be available later this week.

Daniel has been my cheerleader and my coach as we've walked this very scary and very crazy journey toward healing. Whenever I'm down he never preaches or condemns, he only reminds me of what the Lord has said and together we receive His peace.

 I don't want to leave out my father in law. Neal is amazing. He loves like no one I have ever met. He loves in the face of rejection, he loves in the face of love and he loves in the face of anger. He is the most pastor-ly pastor I have ever met. Our boys LOVE their Papa. He is fun incarnate!  We have the joy and privilege of living next to them. Whenever the boys hear Papa's voice they jump up and yell "Hey papa, come up and play".... Neal is always up for the boys even when he's had a horrible day. He is so good about not carrying his bad day home.

Daniel and I are getting away next week for 5 days and the boys are staying with Papa and nana and they are giddy with excitement. I know my house will be a wreck when we get home, but I know our boys will filled with joy and exhausted!!!!

I don't want to leave out my Grandpa. I am so thrilled that I have one living grandparent left. My mom's dad Eldon is in his 80's and he is still going strong. He loves people and I think he might be the most popular man at the retirement community he lives in. Grandpa has a heart of compassion and he calls me regularly to check on me. He is selfless and humble and definitely my favorite grandpa.

Happy Father's Day to all you amazing Dad's I feel so blessed to have so many in my life.

My Micah

This is a picture of Micah we took with our laptop, mirror image of our handsome 5 year old!

My little Micah turns 5 today. This day is very special because he was actually born on Father's Day. He has been my little charmer from the minute he was born. Micah faced some medical issues when he was first born. So much drama surrounded those first few days of his life. Lots of tears, lots of unanswered questions, but everytime I looked into his beautiful face I melted and knew that the Lord had truly blessed me with a miracle.

Micah was diagnosed with hypothyroidism when he was brand new (a condition where the thyroid, located in the neck doesn't work properly or is non existant) and although a very treatable disease, it is one that is very dangerous if not caught immediately. Thankfully Micah has the best pediatrician in the world and the Lord gave her amazing wisdom concerning our little man. 

Micah faces on a regular basis is blood draws. He only has to have one every 6 months to a year now, but when he was small he would have them as often as once a month. This required a wrestling match of keeping all limbs pinned down with the help of two nurses and either Daniel or I. Amazing how strong a 5 month old baby can be. Now he is familiar with the pain and the process and although it is far from enjoyable he faces it like a trooper every time.  One thing that these blood draws has done is it has made Micah a very very compassionate boy. I don't think he would ever intentionally hurt anyone (except his brother when he's being picked on). He doesn't even like watching cartoons cry.

Micah has a friend named Julia that is exactly 2 months older than he is. She is his best friend and both have decided (apart from any help from her parents or us) that they are going to marry each other. Every time we play the game of LIFE he always claims, "this is Julia" when he gets his pink peg to stick in his car.

Micah is extremely loyal, generous, compassionate and generally just an amazing boy. Last night I said "I'm so sad you are going to be 5 because that means I won't have anymore babies." He said "I know God is just going to have to give us a sister". I said, "Why don't you pray that"... he said "Dear Jesus, thank you that you have a baby sister for our family"...... Melt my Heart!!!

My children are truly my joy and my delight.

What have we learned today?

My son Micah is a VeggieTale fanatic...... Ask anyone in our family. His birthday is tomorrow and he is turning the big 5!!! My baby is 5! Amazing. Ever since he was about a year and a half old he has been in LOVE with the characters. Bob, Larry, Junior, its become an obsession. Everything green is Larry, everything red is Bob. He loves his vegetables because of this, for that I am grateful. We keep waiting for this obsession to end, but there doesn't seem to be an end in sight. For now I enjoy it. It's what makes Micah, Micah.

If you haven't ever seen a veggie episode, one of the things Bob and Larry say at the end of every episode is "So kids, what have we learned today?".... Every episode highlights some feature of God's Word that will enrich their lives and make them better people.

I was thinking of that this morning. If there is one thing about life it's that it gives us many, many, many opportunities to learn more about our world, each other, but most of all about God. 

One verse that we have had quoted to us a lot is - well you know the Lord says "my ways are higher than your ways, my thoughts than your thoughts..." and they say that with the idea that somehow God is trying to teach me something as he's given me this illness. I would agree with that in one respect, God is teaching me something, but I think it's in a different way than they think. I can say that because Psalm 25 :10 says "All the ways of the Lord are loving..." Not a twisted love, but a love that is pure. All of this we've already discussed.

This morning as I was reflecting on these last 9 months since the diagnosis and more than a year of battling the symptoms, and almost 9 years of living in this valley. I was thinking of all the amazing things I've learned. Some things I never thought I'd learn.

Last night was our high school graduation. I was reflecting that it's been 15 years since I graduated! The kids that graduated last night were 3 years old when I graduated! Wow, that makes me feel old.... but we won't think about that. We had two of our youth from our church graduate last night. Right now we have 6 youth total. One is moving and with the two that graduated that leaves us with 3.... For those of you who don't know, we actually moved here to start a youth church, almost 9 years ago. If someone had told us then that in 9 years we would have a whopping 3 youth.... I think we would have packed up and said, "Well, that obviously isn't the place for us"... Thankfully nobody did.

You see God's ways really are higher than our ways. We thought that was why we were coming here. We thought we were going to change the youth of the Valley. When we graduated from Bible school we felt like we could do anything and it would turn to gold. We had all the formulas, all the right verb-age, all the right help, and for a while it did work. We had groups of kids that came and then they left. They got saved and on fire for the Lord and then the cares of life stole so much of that initial joy away. Some of it was their fault, some of it was this world, a lot of it was us.

Now that we are on this side of the years and looking back I think the only thing we would have done differently is to love more. But the Lord was speaking to us the other day and was showing us that our long term call here wasn't necessarily the youth it was us. He wanted us. All of us. He wanted to mold us and shape us into something he could use. Before we had it all figured out. It was a nice neat package with all the i's dotted and the t's crossed. We "knew" where we would be in 10 years, we "knew" what the outcome would be of laying down our lives. 

I'm so glad we didn't really know.

I think one of the reasons so many people get discouraged (including us) is because they think they know why they are on a certain path and they know what the outcome is going to be and how many lives they are going to impact or how their lives will look in a certain amount of years and if it hasn't happened exactly that way, or even somewhat that way, discouragement sets in and a sense of hopelessness or failure and it clouds us from being able to see the things the Lord is doing and teaching and accomplishing.

After about 4 years here people began asking us "what we were going to do now." The offers from different ministries began coming in. People that really love us, who saw that we have "so much more to offer" began looking around for somewhere else for us to go where we would be "used to our utmost potential". By the way, if you are one of those people, we really do love you and we are grateful because we understand your hearts. But everytime we would pray about an offer the Lord would say "no". 

I was ready to go. About 5 years ago I was ready to blow this joint. I wanted to run away. I wanted my amazing husband to be used to his utmost potential. I wanted to be more comfortable, I wanted to be more loved and appreciated. Thankfully the Lord didn't let us go. I feel like we've learned so much about His heart that we wouldn't have learned if we had sought our own ministry instead of Him. 

The only thing the Lord asks us to do these days is love the one in front of us. He has given us very near sighted vision because he needed to. I heard a quote the other day that says something like:

 "if I work on changing myself then I can change my neighborhood, then I can change my city,      then my state, then my nation, then the world". 

I'm really only responsible for today, loving the person who knocks on my door. Loving the lady at the grocery store, the man at the gas station. If I'm tuned into His Spirit then I'll know what each person really needs and since Christ is in me I have what they really need everytime. Whether it's encouragement, a prophetic word, a smile, a prayer for healing, whatever. This isn't easy, especially when I am on a crazy run to the grocery store with two wild kids that insist on walking instead of riding in the cart. I tend to tune out the Holy Spirit and I'm lucky to get away with my sanity. Sometimes I succeed.

Daniel just called to say that the man he prayed for yesterday that used to work with him who has brain cancer, passed away last night. So we are so sad that he died, but so grateful that he was obedient to go and pray for him to live and be healed. Daniel prayed with all faith believing that what he has inside of himself would be enough to see this man healed instantly. This time he passed away, but I guarantee that next time we are asked to pray for someone sick we will because Christ in us is greater than he that is in the world. If I never pray for another person then I know no one I pray for will be healed, but if I keep praying, keep pressing, keep knocking, I know that heaven will come to earth just like he said.

I think I'll keep pressing in!

My best friend

To know me you have to know my best friend  Jenifer. We have known each other for about 15 years and have been thru life's ups and downs. 

Jenifer and I met in YWAM when we were put together as roommates in our DTS. She and I were instant kindred spirits. We were the envy of the other DTS girls because we never fought we never had an argument and loved being together... She and Chris were dating at the time and Chris was down in California at LIFE Bible college, one of his friends was Daniel Burgess and he would send pictures to Jen of his friends and we would put them on the wall of our room. Little did I know that friend of his would be my husband. 

We navigated the jungle of Thailand together.... not really, but we did navigate the streets of Pang Nga Thailand and the open air market where we gorged ourselves on pineapple and their amazing fruit everyday. 

She was the reason I ended up down at LIFE Bible college. She and Chris were down there at school and I missed her so I decided to go down there too... of course that was the Lord. Jenifer had Daniel picked out for me before we had met and when I got to LA for school she and Chris took Daniel and I to Disneyland for the day, but they promise they weren't trying to set us up... we still wonder. (that's another story)

I flew up to be in their wedding when I was in Oregon going to George Fox  University. Then she and Chris came up to be in our wedding.

Jenifer flew up to be with us right after Ethan was born, she was there to help me celebrate his new life not knowing that exactly one month later she would suffer the tragic and very swift loss of her own dad to cancer. 

She was there when I called 5 years later with the horrible news that my dad also had cancer... then she celebrated with me when he was healed.

She just completed her Master's degree in biblical theology.... something I could never do. This picture was taken last month when we went up for her graduation. She is one of the people I admire and respect the most in this world. She loves the Lord with her life and didn't just get her Master's degree under normal circumstances but she did it while co-pastoring a large church in Seattle with her husband and giving birth and raising two beautiful children. She amazes me.

In many ways we couldn't be more different, she thrives in the classroom setting, I wilt. She can pull all-nighters like a pro and still be a gracious wife and patient mommy the next day... I cry when I don't get my usual 8 or 9 hours of sleep. But the thing I love about Jenifer is that she loves me for exactly who I am and has never, never tried to change me. She tells me regularly how much she admires me, and that is always nice to hear. But we also have amazing things in common. We love the Lord with everything and are crazy about our families. The only thing I hate is that we live so far apart, but even that hasn't been able to dull our friendship. 

She called me yesterday and encouraged me. She is one of the people I know prays for me regularly and I have been able to stand on her prayers. 

That is a true friend.

Graduation

I've reached one of those milestone marks in our lives. Ethan is graduating from Kindergarten next week. This is his year book picture

He is a part of a homeschooling charter school here in the valley. The charter school is only 2 years old and Ethan was the only kindergartner this year. He and I do most of his schooling here at home, but we are helped by a teacher at the charter school once a week. All his materials come from the charter school we get all the help and support we need from his teacher with the joy of getting to teach him here at home. Plus they organize lots of interactive groups with kindergarten, first and second graders involved. Also they organize field trips regularly. We get to go to Santa Barbara to one of the performing arts theatres there for some amazing productions, all for free!!! It's the perfect situation for us. 

He is almost done with his first year and I can't say how thrilled I am to see the progress he has made this year and to realize I was the one who taught him all that makes it all the more thrilling for me. He is brilliant, what can I say.

Today we are going to celebrate his graduation. He has always wanted to go bowling so we are going to humor him and take him bowling and then for pizza afterwards. Next week is Micah's birthday and Father's day so we didn't want graduation to get lost in the shuffle. He is quite happy to celebrate early.... I'm wondering if his ability to finish his school work next week will be a struggle because of the early celebration.... oh well.

Next year I'll have a kindergartner and a first grader!! Double the work for me, but I have to say I really do love it most of the time.

innocence

    Micah on the beach of Oregon, looking out at the twin rocks in front of our beach cottage.

My sweet Micah came up to me yesterday as I was getting dinner ready. He had Daddy's bible in his hands opened to the maps in the back. 

He looked up at me with his sweet little face and said "Mommy, will you please show me where heaven is on here?"....... Daniel said "I'll help you." 

He took him over and opened to Revelations and the description of heaven. He read some of it to him and he listened very attentively, when he was done Micah said "Wow". 

 My sentiments exactly.

Food cont.

So as I finished reading my last blog on food I realized I didn't finish it. The scripture in Romans goes on to say the best part.....

"And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."

Hope does not disappoint.... but what about all the unanswered prayers? What about all this hope deferred I still have?

Another thing I've learned is that 1 negative story of an unanswered prayer or a premature death or disappointment can cancel out 50 stories of healing and miraculous intervention. That is just the way we are as humans. We tend to focus on the negative, on the tragedy. It feeds our fears. It feeds our insecurities.

I have to keep my gaze steadily on His and fight the fight he has equipped me to win. I am confident that He has given me everything I need to not just weather this storm, but to come thru to the other side totally victorious, I just have to figure out what weapons in my arsenal to use at the appropriate times.

For example today I am in pain, it's slight but there nonetheless. I can go into that pain and allow it to steal my peace and joy and confidence in what the Lord has said, or I can stand on the Word of God. I begin quoting the scriptures the Lord has given me specifically and I speak them to myself until I believe them. One of my favorite scriptures is 1 Cor. 1:28 "the things that are not will nullify the things that are." So I pray "Lord I thank you that the healing that I do not see yet will nullify the pain I am feeling." "I thank you that the answer you have said is coming will nullify this tumor."

It always brings me peace and joy and confidence to be reminded that he is my healer, my Jehovah rapha.

Musings

Ethan was on our tree swing this morning. He asked me to push him and gladly I did because my big 6 1/2 year old won't fit on that swing much longer.

As he was swinging he was just smiling like he was in heaven. I asked him, "what are you smiling about?" He said, "I was just reminiscing" (didn't know he knew what that word meant) How much reminiscing can you do with only 6 years under your belt? I said "what are you reminiscing about?" He said "I remember when I was 4 and I would swing on this swing...."

Yeah, I remember that too..... seems like a lifetime ago.

Oh to be young again.

interesting questions

My 6 year old came up to me just now. Dressed in camoflauge saying "Mommy, how much do grenades cost?" Interesting question. Hadn't thought of it to be honest. "I don't know" I said "I've never priced them out". "How much money do you have?" he asked me. "To be honest I don't have a grenade budget" I told him.

He said, "I was just wondering because I am inventing a grenade so you won't have to worry about buying one."

My relief was immense. I'm telling you, they may eat a lot, but I am going to save a bundle on firearms!!!

Better lay off the A team episodes for a few nights!

Food

Food is a REALLY big deal around our house. I realized this quickly after I began dating Daniel. We would go out to eat or discuss eating and I would announce that I didn't care for certain foods, bananas, sushi, tomatoes, brussel sprouts, etc. I began noticing a peculiar look on his face like (oh, no, I don't think I'm going to be able to marry this girl, she doesn't like tomatoes!!!?)... then I would smile my winning smile and he would quickly realize that none of that mattered.

Daniel's family loves food! Whenever we travel a familiar road and he sees a restaurant that he visited before we were married with his family he would say, "oh yeah, there is that restaurant, I remember eating there with my grandparents when I was 5, I ate a roast beef sandwich with mashed potatoes and a root beer"... or something like that (ok that might be a bit of an exaggeration, but trust me, not much!) I would sit in utter shock, I can't remember what I ate yesterday let alone when I was 5.

Our boys have inherited their daddy's love of food. When I say love, I mean LOVE!! From the moment they wake up to the minute we say it's bedtime they are asking for food, wanting food, "needing" food. When we are eating a meal they want to know what is for dessert. When we are eating a snack they ask what is for lunch. When we are eating dessert they ask what else they can eat after their dessert is gone! It's enough to drive a mommy nuts! I've actually had to make a rule. When we are eating dinner (a meal I work hard at preparing) they aren't allowed to ask what is for dessert until the meal is gone!!!! Never thought I'd have to make a rule like that.

Even as I write this I've been interrupted twice with requests for a snack.... they ate lunch 10 minutes ago literally!!!

As we've ventured out on this journey of healing I've realized there is another kind of food that is just as important as physical food. It's my spirit food. What am I feeding my Spirit?

When I was first diagnosed with "agromagaly" the surgeon recommened that I go to the computer and google that condition and read everything I could about that. I was tempted to do that. Then I decided not to for several reasons.

First of all when you are sick (physically) you have to be very careful what you eat. Sometimes you don't feel like eating much at all. Some things make you feel worse and some things are beneficial. If you have the stomach flu you aren't going to feel like eating much. If you have a cold then chicken noodle soup is best. The same is true when you are sick with something like this, only I don't need to worry what I eat physically. I do however need to watch what I feed my spirit.

If I gorge myself on more medical information it really isn't going to do me much good. All that will do is give me more fuel for the fire of fear. Just like junk food gives you a burst of energy but leaves you worn out quickly. I have learned that fear comes far too naturally for me without any outside help and fear is a death sentence when you have something like a brain tumor.

I realized very early on that I need to be careful what I "study" what I read and even who I talk to about this. Because my healing isn't going to come from Doctors, it's illogical for me to study medical conditions. My healing is going to come from the Lord so the only medical study for me is the Word of God. What does it have to say about illness and disease. Jesus was all about healing. Everyone who came to him was healed. That's a pretty amazing track record, and according to Hebrews "he is the same yesterday today and forever". Pretty good news for me!

One thing the Lord gave me a while ago was this passage from Romans 5

"And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."

The Lord was showing me that so many people, especially people facing tough issues, look at this scripture and stop short of the best part. One gentleman we spoke with said something like "I know God has given me this battle so that I will become a better person." or "I just pray that I have an easy time it" (reference to battling a horrible disease)

I think that kind of thinking is a terrible misrepresentation of who God really is!!! The scripture says our sufferings produces perseverance..... an essential characteristic in someone who is going to stand thru anything here on earth. The perseverance produces character.... a very good quality as well. We have to allow ourselves to mature thru trial otherwise we might not have anything to give away once we reach the other side.

Then I realized so many people stop at character. They just decide that the illness they have is from God and they are going to live with it, struggle thru it and hopefully be a light of some kind thru the midst of it. All of those are noble, even good things, BUT that isn't the end of it!!!

The most important part in my mind is the last! Character should produce HOPE!!!! I think very very few people go all the way to hope. They stop short of it because hope is too painful. Hope is painful because we see too few people who actually get healed or it doesn't happen as fast as we want it to, or it doesn't happen the way we want it to. We've made hope into this ethereal thing that is weak and a looks more like a wish than the powerful force that it is.

The Bible says in Hebrews 11 that "faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see". It partners Faith with Hope. It isn't a wish or a nice thought, it's a certainty, a being sure! The Bible also describes hope as "an anchor for our souls"!

That is where I want to end up when this is all over. I want to have this suffering produce something of significance in me. I want to have it produce in me perseverance, I want to face any trial and know that I have developed the spiritual muscle to stand in that trial for as long as I need to. So much of battling things spiritually is just a matter of standing long enough, honestly I think this is something that our culture, especially younger generations including mine, is not very good at.

Then I want it to develop character. Character is the "what have I learned" part of suffering. Going thru a trial of suffering without character is like walking deep into a forest without leaving some kind of trail of how you got there. If you don't leave a trail you don't know how to get back or how to take others there. Character is the medal of honor part of suffering.

But the greatest part is that it all leads you to hope. The hope is the true riches. It is the stability you need to face every other thing in your life. Before I was diagnosed with this tumor we were going thru another difficult decision and the Lord took me to Psalm 40.
"I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand."

I feel like the hope he has given us is that firm thing we are standing on. We are on his hope. It makes it possible for us to overcome everything that comes our way from now on, both for ourselves and for other people. THAT makes this journey worth taking.