Wednesday, December 31, 2008

One week and counting

Here we are, it's the final day of 2008 and I am thrilled to see this year go!!!!!

I listened to a message yesterday and the pastor asked the congregation; "who has faced something in this last year that could be characterized as the most difficult trial of your life?"
Many many people raised their hands... We feel the same way. 2008 has been a year of our greatest challenge. When the year began they were saying it was the year of new beginnings and in many ways I suppose our year has been marked by great change. The Lord commissioned us to move on from this valley up to Oregon, something we are looking forward to. 

All I can say about starting a new year is BRING IT!

So, Monday I spent a 10 hour day traveling to UCLA and back for extensive blood tests (took 2 1/2 hours) and then my final MRI. Daniel and the boys occupied themselves at Universal City Walk and enjoyed themselves, but when we got home we were all exhausted. 

Tonight is New Year's Eve and I will begin my hibernation. I am quarantining myself so that I don't risk getting sick before surgery next week. I was realizing today that whether the Lord heals me before surgery or we face surgery, no matter what, this battle will be over in just a week!!! That is amazing! I'm really happy about that. 

We have found some new tools that have inspired and encouraged us. One of them is a worship leader named Jonathan David Helser. If you haven't heard of him I would encourage you to get a hold of his CD, google his name, go on my space and get on his... whatever, all I know is that his music is amazingly anointed! I listened to him all day on Monday on my ipod and it was what got me thru. 

Thank you for praying. 
We are ready. 
Here we go.


Saturday, December 27, 2008

My Daddy

Today is my Dad's birthday. Thought I'd just brag about him for a few minutes. For those of you who read this and know my dad You will already know much of what I'm going to say. For those of you who have only met my dad there is  good chance that you have had a glimpse of how amazing he is because he is very transparent and easy to know. For those of you who have never met my dad, I feel sorry for you.

His heritage includes an adoring wife of 40+ years. 3 kids and 3 kids in law, 10 grandkids here and 3 in heaven.... and countless friends.

My dad is easily the most amazing man I have ever known. There is only one other man who can come close to comparing to him and that is my husband. When I was a little girl I knew that whomever the Lord had for me to marry he had to be comparable to my dad and if he wasn't, he wouldn't be in the running. When I met Daniel there was so much about him that reminded me of my dad that I knew he could be the one. I'm grateful I was right.

My dad has overcome obstacles that could have stunted a smaller man forever, but my dad has risen above them. One of things that I've been most amazed by is that he doesn't just plan for his future with my mom in his daily decisions, he plans for his children and grand children. He picks a grandchild to pray for each day of the month and spends that day praying for him or her. He truly knows that the decisions he makes will affect generations after him. 

My dad is one of my heroes. He recently battled cancer (which I've mentioned before) and battled with the Word of God. He spends many of his mornings mentoring other men. He is an elder in their church and takes that responsibility very seriously. He prays for his pastors and church family members regularly.

Often times when we talk he tells me he is fasting and praying for me. I know he has fasted for my healing more than I have.... that is true father. He has shown me the heart of Father God in his parenting and has made it very easy for me to relate to Papa God because I have such an amazing example of Him in my dad.

Often times his birthday gets pushed to the side because it's 2 days after Christmas, but in my heart I could never say enough about this man who I have been so blessed to call my daddy.

Happy Birthday Dad! I'm so proud of you. I pray this new year will be full of more revelations of the Father's heart for you than any previous year. 

I love you Daddy.


Friday, December 26, 2008

After Christmas

So here we are. The day after Christmas. Ours was the best we can remember. It was way more simple than ever before, but I am convinced that simple is the best! We relaxed all day just our small family and Daniel's parents. We ate waaayyy too much and slept and played and ate some more.... it was wonderful.

As we were winding down last night from the festivities we were realizing that our next hurdle is surgery. That realization was a bit overwhelming. We have always had that in our projected future, but it has always had several other hurdles in front of it to make it that much less of a reality. Now, it's next and that seems to be sinking in more each day.

In fact the next few weeks are nothing but major work. We have another day at UCLA on Monday the 29th for an MRI, blood test and then chest x-ray to make sure my heart is healthy for surgery... which it is, just preliminary. Then a full week of school with the boys so that the following week we can take off. 

Of course the next week is busy with getting ready for surgery and the actual surgery itself. Daniel has all that week off and the next as well. After the week of the 5th-9th we will have about 3 weeks to pack up our entire house and move!!!!!!!!!!! 

We have a lot of things that need to fall into place before we can move. Moving in the winter to a place that gets a lot of snow is insane, to move there and not have a place to live or a job in this economy is unbelievable.... thankfully the Lord miracles and we have received the instructions to "put our feet in the water".... the Lord ministered to us thru the story of the Children of Israel as they crossed the Jordan river, the priests put their feet on the banks of the river and that is when the water stopped and they crossed on dry land. 

Please pray : 1- that we would have peace (especially the boys) in the next few weeks. 2- that we would receive provision, job, home, finances for moving. 3- that surgery would go smoothly, specifically for Dr. Bergschneider and Dr. Wang, the two surgeons. 4- that we would make the transition quickly and easily and 5- that I would recover faster than expected.

Thank you all. We are so excited for a new phase in our lives!! 

New life is always good.



Monday, December 15, 2008

By the way

By the way... 

The word "trust" in the Proverbs 3:5 scripture from the last post actually doesn't just mean "trust" it also means "reckless"! We truly are recklessly trusting the Lord! Nice to feel a confirmation.

Also FYI: We are baking gingerbread cookies, it's a cold rainy day and my husband has the day off. I love Christmas!



Sunday, December 14, 2008

Dec. 11th update

I've had such a hard time getting a few minutes away to get this update posted. The boys get so wired this time of year, I love the excitement. Thankfully my sweet husband had compassion on me this morning and took both boys with him to church early so I could get ready by myself and not have to turn on a video game or movie or meet the "boredom" plea.

Anyway, update time. 

On Wednesday night (the night before my Dr. appt.) I was sound asleep when a little one came in needing help. As I got up to put him back to bed a scripture was running thru my head. Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding."

It had been so long since I had read that scripture that I didn't even know where to find it the next morning.... I knew it was the Lord. 

I got to drive to UCLA by myself in my cute convertible and that was so wonderful (except for the hideous traffic). I enjoyed it so much. I had to leave at about 5:45 am so it was still dark, but as I drove over the pass and reached the top of the hill, I was left breathless... I could see the sun rising over the ocean as I looked into the valley of Santa Barbara and there was no fog, no clouds just a pink sky and a still sleepy city. It was amazing. I had my worship music on and I just knew it was my gift from the Lord. I love watching the sunrise! I got to stop and get my special treat of a peppermint mocha from Starbucks, and I drove into the sunrise just worshipping the Lord for the next hour (until I reached traffic). I kept proclaiming that scripture over my heart, preparing myself for more Dr. information.

As I got to UCLA I saw the first Dr. She is the other surgeon who will do the initial work of getting the primary surgeon into the area where the tumor is. She was very kind and did an initial exam on me. She said I have a deviated septum, thus the horrible snoring and said she would take care of all that while she was in there.... I'm getting a nose job! ;O)

Then I headed down the hall to the endocrinologists office. He talked to me about the medicine part of all this.... Since my surgery is only 3 1/2 week's away he didn't recommend any medication (good news) but he did say that he wanted to have another MRI report before surgery! I'm thrilled about this... another chance to peek inside just in case there is no surgery needed. I want to give the Lord every opportunity to take it away before surgery. I didn't think I would get another one, but since he offered I was thrilled to accept. It means another trip to UCLA before surgery, but it is what it is....

I had to guard myself from fear. They have a lot of "what if's" and "maybe's" that could possibly happen and I had to remind myself of what the Lord has said so I didn't go into fear. One thing they said was that there is a possibility that the chance to have children is gone..... I have had so many words spoken over me to the contrary that I "armed" myself with those as they spoke. Then when they were done I went out to the waiting room to wait for another piece of paper and as I was waiting I looked at the time on my phone. It said Dec. 11 11:11 am. I thought that was cool and immediately the Lord said "Hebrews". So I turned to Hebrews 11:11 and I knew it was the Lord's confirmation to my spirit. It says:

"By faith Abraham, even though he was past age - and Sarah herself was barren - was enabled to become a father because he considered him faithful who made the promise." 

The Lord just said "remember, they don't know the beginning from the end, I do, and I am faithful." So I took my two scriptures and I just proclaimed them over myself the rest of the day and by the time I got home I was so encouraged.

It was an unusually warm day and so when I reached Santa Barbara I put the top down and drove over the pass with the sunshine and the warm wind and I just sang those scriptures back to the Lord. As I was putting the top down in my convertible the Lord reminded me of what Ethan had said when we got the convertible..... 

"If God can give us a convertible, He can definitely answer out tumor prayer and our baby prayer"

No doubt.



Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Fast track / slow track

So sorry it's been ages since my last blog entry. Our lives have been crazy as you will hear in just a minute. I had a wonderful visit with a dear friend yesterday and as I poured out my heart and our story to her she kept saying that God's timing is perfect.... something I must remind myself about several times over in the next few months.

Here is the latest. I have hesitated sharing much of this online because we hadn't told all the people here of our pending plans, but now that the "cat is out of the bag" so to speak it won't be a problem. 

About the beginning of October the Lord began speaking to Daniel and I about moving.... something we didn't think would ever happen. We have been living here in Santa Ynez for 9 years now and had always planned that we would live here forever because it was where the Lord has called us and the things he called us here to do didn't seem to be happening very quickly. We assumed it might take the rest of our lives to truly see all that He had put in our hearts to see here in the SY valley. However, the Lord has been stirring our hearts. When Daniel heard from the Lord that He is moving us it took him some time to process that, mostly because we are in the midst of so many other life changing things right now, it didn't seem possible that He would move us right now. As we prayed and prayed and prayed and asked Him over a few weeks time it became clear to both of us that that is exactly what He was saying. 

So here we are in the midst of some of the craziest health issues we have ever faced and as we ask the Lord about all this he says, "it's time to move". It's almost like He isn't answering us on purpose ;o) So, we are moving to Bend Oregon sometime in the New Year. Daniel's heart is to set up a 24/7 house of prayer. For those of you who don't know what that is, it is a place where worship and prayer goes on constantly, 24 hours a day 7 days a week. There are many of these places around the world now and we feel like it is something the Lord is doing in the earth that will usher in the presence of the Lord in greater measure. We are praying that we will begin to see signs and wonders in these houses of prayer, including great grace to see the lost saved, the sick healed and the saved to grow deeper in their walk with the Lord.

For those of you who don't know, my parents and both brothers and their families all live in the Bend/ Central Oregon area so we will be very very close to my family again which is a huge blessing. The boys are looking forward to being near cousins and my parents and I am looking forward to being an Oregonian again. 

One reason I wanted to share all this with you all is that we realize the importance of starting a house of prayer like this. It doesn't happen over night, it isn't easy, and it isn't without some resistance from the enemy. We feel like it is very important that we raise support. Now, I don't mean financial support, but prayer support. Our goal is to get at least 100 people that would covenant to pray for us as we venture out in this new journey. If we have learned anything in this last season it is that we get really "slammed" by the enemy when we don't have the prayer support behind us. If we had at least 100 people who would covenant to pray for us once a day I know we would go much further, much faster than we would if we tried to do this on our own. Please consider covenanting with us in this way. We would love it if the Lord put this on your heart if you would email us and let us know so that we can pray for you as you pray for us.

Also, I have a surgery date. I am tentatively scheduled for January 7th to have the surgery. Again, I am puzzled by the Lord's timing. We had hoped to be moving at that time, and done with surgery before Christmas, but the Lord planned otherwise. It's completely out of our hands. In some ways Daniel and I are sitting back and saying there is absolutely nothing we can do to "hurry" this process up at all. We can't make any of this happen faster, so we are sitting back and relinquishing all control to Him. He showed me a while ago that this is like a dance. We are dancing with Him. Even though we aren't sure which direction He will turn next, we just have to let Him spin us and twirl us and dance us toward the next thing. When we try to take over we just mess things up and step on toes..... 


So, we wait and we dance.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

A new day

I thought I'd take a second and update so that I don't forget to do so in the craziness of my life ... First of all thank you to all who have been praying for us. We have been horribly sick (mostly just Ethan and I) the last 2 weeks and it's been quite a battle. Finally, finally we are on the other side, with just a bit of coughing left. We really appreciate your prayers though.

Also, an update of the surgery... still no date as of yet, but our next Doc. appointment will be Dec. 4, three weeks from today, if all goes thru with the insurance which we are still awaiting full approval (your prayers on that aspect would be greatly appreciated.) At that time I will meet with the endocrinologist and the other surgeon and also giving some of my own blood in case they need it for surgery. 

Anyway, looks like surgery will be closer to Christmas time. We are praying the second week of Dec. at least!

We'll let you know more as soon as we know more. Thank you again for your prayers. Happy Thanksgiving to everyone.


Thursday, November 6, 2008

Wedded Bliss

Today is our 9th anniversary!!  Marriage is such an amazing thing. To grow more in love with this man every single day seems impossible, but it is absolutely true. 

When I first met Daniel I didn't think he was the one for me, but as I watched his life I knew there was no doubt that he was the one for me.

It took him a bit longer to know the same thing, but once he did it took him all of 2 days to tell me loved me and was ready to marry me. We've never been the same. 

Daniel is my rock. He and I had a prophecy over our lives that we would grow together in love as we "worked the trenches of this valley" and that has been so true. We have weathered things I never imagined we would face, but it has only worked to cement our love further.

The boys are helping me make this evening special. We love to celebrate the actual day with the boys... a special dinner, candlelight, and then we enjoy watching our wedding video as a family.

God has richly blessed us and we are looking forward to many many more years  of joy and memories.


Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Sobered

I don't really get into politics much, mostly because I don't know much. However all morning I have had a sick feeling in my stomach. I'm so sobered by the issues at hand. By far the biggest issue being abortion. I feel like we have gotten so overwhelmed with our lives lately that we haven't thought about praying much into these elections until this last week when Daniel went down to the 'the Call' in San Diego. We are so heavy with the world our children are growing up in.

As I woke up early and felt so heavy about this election the Lord reminded me that there are more that are with Him than are with the enemy. That just because we have a president who has no regard for human life in the womb doesn't mean we don't pray anymore. In fact I will pray more for this president that any other president I think. I'm mostly praying for his salvation.

I was sickened as I had to try to explain to my 7 year old what abortion is. I cried as I looked into his puzzled face. All the unsaid questions and implications that were bombarding his mind. I had no answers. It's one of those moments when you realize your child has lost some of his innocence and I ached inside realizing that this was just the "tip of the iceberg" so to speak in terms of all the horrible things he would learn about our country, this presidency and mankind.

Today I find myself aching at how callous my own heart has gotten toward some of these issues. I think an election every 4 years is important to shake us from our religious stupor or the smallness of our own lives and problems..... these issues are our issues. I have an aquaintance who is one of those highly annoying kind that love to argue and antagonize just to hear their own voice.... he disagrees with me on just about every issue... attacks whenever he can and I have to fight the urge to feel personally offended. I realize however how offended the Lord must feel at the state of our nation and the selfish smallness we think with.

Today I am aching. I think it's good to ache if we pour it out in prayer. The Lord gave me Psalm 51 this morning.... I poured it out before the Lord for myself and our nation.

For those of you who aren't familiar with 'the call" and Lou Engle, I want to tell you about them. He is making it a personal goal to see abortion ended in our nation, along with other things, but that is his main agenda. He has come up with a one line prayer that I have been praying all morning. It goes like this:

"I plead the Blood of Jesus over my sins and the sins of my nation. End abortion, bring revival."

I think that is the best prayer I can think of right now.


Friday, October 31, 2008

Rejoicing

Hello to you all... Thank you all for your sweet notes and concern, but most of all for all the awesome prayers. I'm astounded at how the Lord is moving. It really is fun to watch him work.

Ok, so yesterday Daniel and I were bracing ourselves for the Dr. to be in our faces about waiting for surgery. We were pleasantly surprised by his kindness and respect for us.

The appointment went so well. First of all he asked us where we were at this point and when we told him we were ready for surgery he said, "well, maybe your prayers weren't wasted". That caused us to perk up quite a bit. He said that at the beginning of the year they changed the way they do these kinds of surgery to an endoscopic approach.... basically they moved from the dark ages into the present. He said that they used to stretch open the nose (ouch) and put a tube up your nose and then shine a light down the tube and look with binoculars and "try" to get it all. Then they put you on an MRI table to make sure it is all out and then if it isn't they put you back on the table and work some more, back and forth, back and forth until it's all gone! 

Now, they put a very small tube up into the nose (no bigger than your actual nasal cavity) and they have a camera with a light at the end of that. The procedure takes two doctors but it's done on a 40 inch high definition TV screen. Extremely accurate and almost no risk of harm. The difference between this year and last year is astounding! The Doctor's demeanor this year was so peaceful, almost like he was  telling me I needed to get a filling put in my tooth! It was amazing.  Then he looked at the MRI and said that it looked very good. The tumor isn't growing into my brain, which is a greater risk of harm, it's grown down into the nasal cavity and when the incision is made it will basically "fall out". Then he uses "scoop like tools" to scoop it out (sorry if that grosses anyone out) but that there isn't any cutting or anything.

We were overwhelmed by the good news. It was amazing because if all goes according to plan (which is what we are praying) that I could be out of the hospital in as little as 2 days.

They didn't give me a date for surgery yet. I have to meet with the two other doctors first, but hopefully that will take place next week sometime and then I project that I will be having surgery the week before or the week of Thanksgiving. 

We are so amazed at the goodness of the Lord. Last year when the Lord was speaking to Daniel and I about cancelling surgery he told Daniel "it won't work". To hear the doctor say that the new technology has made it much more efficient and thorough has put both of us at ease. We felt the presence of the Lord the whole time and were very relieved that this trial is almost over!!! 

Prayer requests: 
1. Pray for the surgeon and the team. That they would be especially skilled on the day of surgery.

2. That the tumor would "ball up" There is one side that is pressing against the nasal cavity and the doctor mentioned that that is the only part that would have a possibility of being difficult to remove totally... if it isn't thoroughly removed there is a chance of reoccurance.

3. That there  would be no complications and that recovery time would be as quick as possible. I'd like to be home for Thanksgiving :o)

4. That the pituitary would be restored to better than normal function almost immediately. It is "squished" up against the wall of the nasal cavity and needs to come back down and be restored. Also that all the "damage" done to my body by this tumor and the excess growth hormone would be reversed immediately and restored to normal.

I'm looking forward to feeling like a new person! Thank you all for praying for us! His ways truly aren't our ways and we are so grateful that we heard him and obeyed instead of trusting simply our head knowledge and going ahead stubbornly even when he cautioned us to stop. We will keep all of you posted on our status as it gets closer. For now we appreciate all of you! 


Monday, October 27, 2008

Checking in

I'm so sorry for not updating this blog more in the recent days. We've been in the midst of some pretty crazy times here in the Burgess household. We will get to talk about it more freely in the days to come, for now there isn't much I can share here, but you can know that it's good, it's all good!!!

This week is rather crazy as I go for my doc. appointment on Thursday and then Daniel heads to San Diego on Friday for the Call that will take place all day Saturday. 

I will update everyone at the end of our week as to what the doc says and when the appointment will be for surgery. So far it seems that the procedure is rather "simple" and quite a quick recovery.... I'm praying for that and more.


Thursday, October 23, 2008

Little tiny mini update

The Doc. appt. to schedule surgery has been changed to Thurs. the 30th.

Thanks for praying.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Time is ticking

I feel like the weeks fly by, but the date to see the surgeon still seems eons away. Frustrating. I do want to still keep my focus on the Lord instead of the surgeon, and thankfully the Lord knows that.... He encouraged me yesterday with another scripture.

I think my main frustration in this time is the "healing thru the surgeon phrase". I know that is true, but really, it is better from the Lord. So I feel overwhelmed with catching everyone up on our lives and explaining why we waited a year and what we were doing and, and, and,.....

I am doing a bible study by Beth Moore right now called Breaking Free. Excellent! I highly recommend it, but anyway she wanted us to look up Isaiah 43:10 yesterday and meditate on it. The Lord really ministered to me through it. 

It says: "I have called you to be my witness, I have chosen you.... so that you will know that I am he". That is a paraphrase, but the Lord ministered to me that this season was about me. That I would know that He is who He says that He is!!! But that as I do that, as I believe, others will see and I will be His witness to them.

Anyway, it's not much, but it certainly blessed me. Thank you all for praying. I will see the surgeon a week from Wed. and would covet your prayers.

Thank you.

Friday, October 10, 2008

My car


Had to show you all a picture of my new car. The boys keep going, "I can't believe we have a convertible!" I think they hear me say that a lot and are mimicking me :o)

God has released a joy over me that is far beyond receiving a new car. It's like he broke off  depression and hopelessness with this gift. I feel this anticipation, joyful anticipation at this next season and what the Lord has planned. Even surgery doesn't phase me at this point because I know I've sown so much prayer into this that if it comes to surgery that is part of the testimony! Bring it on!

We've also been told that the original plan of going with the new surgeon is not an option now, so I just think.... well, it must be part of His plan for this other surgeon to see our story and have it before him, Bring it on!

Our neighbor Rick is back home. His surgery was very successful. He literally was a hair width away from death, that was all the space left in his heart artery. They cleaned it out and put in a stint and he is great. Everyday is a gift for them now! God is so good.

Thank you all for continued prayers. We are anticipating this new season with great joy!!!!!

God is sooo good.


Thursday, October 9, 2008

Extravagance

There is something the Lord is doing with us. Daniel put it best last night. He said "I think God wants us to know His extravagant nature before we get to know His practical nature". 

Over the last 6 months especially, but even before then we have noticed this extravagance of God in our lives. It is marked by gifts being lavished on us that we never even asked for. 

Really this began when we moved here. It's like the Lord said "this time will be hard, but I will mark it with sweetness you did not expect." He has given us things we didn't even have the thought or courage to pray for.

It began with being given a car when we were first married. We needed one, but we thought we'd have to take out a loan etc. A very generous family in the church gave us their old volvo and it was a great car for about 4 years. 

Then we were given a beautiful bedroom set by a man in our church who makes furniture as a hobby. He said "give me a picture of what you want and I will make it." So I gave him a picture out of my favorite store Restoration Hardware and he made us a breath taking bed and dresser..... free. 

Then there were many things thru the years with having our boys, years and years of beautiful hand me downs that were perfect fit, perfect timing. My parents gave us our crib that was beautiful and then they gave me dishes that match and I love. The woman in our church that owns the house we live in lets us rent it from her for less than half of what people pay for rent around here.

About 6 months ago my in laws gave us their Mac laptop. Something that has blessed me more than I can say. It has kept me connected when I felt disconnected to the world.... A huge blessing.

Then a few months ago they started coming faster. I needed help with homeschooling, another voice for my kids to hear than just me. We got it in Ethan's teacher helping with extra tutoring for free. Something I didn't even pray about, but desperately needed. 

Then we had a man in our church offer to give Ethan drum lessons for free. With those you are never sure what you will get, but Tony is an amazing man who is infinitely patient and seems to know what Ethan really needs to stay interested and engaged. Again, something I never prayed for, but we needed. 

Then a few months ago Ethan started asking about swim lessons. I had put him off because the YMCA's lessons are so expensive. They are private, but they are very spendy. I was looking into other options when school started. The boys teacher mentioned they were offering to pay for swim lessons for the students. I got the boys in and it turns out they are private lessons (the boys and one of their friends) for 45 min. each, 2 times a week for 2 months!!!! Once again, something I didn't pray for, the Lord just knew.

Yesterday, however, was the cream on top!!!!!! Last night we had had a tough day (see the last post) and we decided we just needed to worship and unload. So we were down in the garage with Ethan on the drums and Daniel on the guitar and me on the mic. and shaker :o) and Micah on the VeggieTales (he never stops) and we were worshipping when Neal, my father in law comes in and asks if we had expected a couple from our church to come over. We said "no" and he said, "well they are here to see you". So I let Daniel go out to talk to them. They called me out and when I went out they presented me with flowers and a key to my very own convertible!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had mentioned to them a few weeks before that I enjoyed seeing them in their convertible because I have always loved convertibles and they seemed so carefree and young when they drove theirs. They took it to heart.  It is a beautiful chrysler convertible and it's mine! I was speechless and overwhelmed. They just said they wanted to do it because they knew I liked convertibles and wanted to bless me. 

I have always loved convertibles and Daniel and I joke about getting one when we retire and cruise around with our silver hair...... Never in a million years did I expect this. The boys were like little ping pong balls. They were excited because there were two pillows in the back.

Daniel and I have needed a second car, but this is not what we were expecting to get. I told Daniel, it's so funny because we need so many other things that are so much more practical, but God doesn't seem to be worried about those things. He knew that giving me something I didn't even have on my radar would speak more to me than a practical check in the mail kind of blessing.

Ethan said it best this morning. He looked up at me and he had this delighted look on his face and he said "Mommy! If God can give you a convertible you didn't even ask for then He can definitely answer our tumor prayer and our baby prayer!"

Exactly the point.


Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Laid down

It seems like when it rains it pours. I know that is such an overused phrase, but there really is no better one for times of being overwhelmed. 

As many of you know my neighbors, Rick and Laura, are friends and they are also former employers. I used to care for Laura who has MS when her husband, a firefighter, worked. I quit my job Feb. 2007 but have been helping when they need a substitute for their other caretaker. Rick has been having heart issues and today is having surgery. It's a minor procedure but still heart surgery. In the meantime I am helping to care for Laura. 

In the midst of all that, I feel like I am on the phone so much trying to schedule this appointment and that test for myself. Not to mention getting two boys to this meeting and that swim lesson and this tutor session etc. etc. etc...... I'm exhausted.

In the midst of exhaustion though I feel like the Lord really spoke to us and gave us peace finally last night. It took a week of "why" and "how" and "where are you" to finally come to peace. My mom sent us encouragement thru the story of Abraham sacrificing Isaac. Abraham said "I know that even if I put the promise (Isaac) on the altar and sacrifice him you can bring resurrection life". The Lord spoke the  same thing to us. We know what we heard at the beginning of this journey, the promise that He would be my healer, I know that can be taken so many ways, but I truly believe God isn't this ethereal being that primarily speaks in riddles. I believe he meant that he was going to physically heal my body. So since that hasn't manifested yet, we are asking the why question. He answers by saying "it's time for surgery". Personally I don't feel like surgery is healing. I believe it is god given wisdom to certain individuals and I'm grateful for the medical field.... however, it's not healing it's surgery. I'm believing for healing.

Before last night I wasn't sure if I would ever be able to pray in faith for another person to be healed again. However last night He returned my joy and my peace and I can stand in faith today and say that I know my God will heal me, but even if He doesn't I will still worship him and my resolve to see the sick healed when I pray for them will be even stronger than ever before. Either way, We Win! I'm sobered by the stand so many have taken in the church, the stand of being unsure what the Lord really wants to do. Because we don't see true miracles very often we think the Lord doesn't want to do them. That is the attitude I will fight until the day I die. I KNOW my God wants to heal. Just because it doesn't turn out like I think it will every time doesn't mean He won't or doesn't want to. It just means I don't know everything... I need to adjust my hearing. 

So for now we are going to see the surgeon on October 29. He will give us a surgery date and if it goes as quickly as it was scheduled to go I will be fully recovered by Thanksgiving. Thank you all for your prayers. Please pray that the healing will still manifest! We appreciate it.


Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Up Updated Update

Thank you all for praying. I met with Dr. Ortega today after speedily ordering a ton of blood tests and an MRI.... all of which I received today. 

Dr. Ortega was very kind, very sweet and very understanding. She is a neat Christian lady and was very supportive of what we have done and are doing.

However. The MRI showed that the tumor has grown and does most definitely need to come out with surgery.....

I am not surprised or scared or even sad. Just totally unsure of how I feel at this point. I'm not happy. I really wanted to see the Lord heal me simply with a stand of faith, mostly because he set us on this road and it was a joy to walk it with Him. 

So now we are waiting again. I will know more in a few days as to when surgery is scheduled. The good news is that the one of the top two specialists in the nation in this particular surgery is now covered by my insurance, he wasn't last year, and I will be going to him at St. Joe's in Santa Monica instead of the horribly busy UCLA in LA. I'm grateful for that! 

I'm not looking forward to Dr. visit after Dr. visit. I hate the waiting and all that. I will probably be moved along fairly quickly because of the size etc.

I'm looking forward to getting on with life and not feeling crummy a lot of the time.

Thanks for your prayers. I think prayer #1 right now is that we would not give in to discouragement. #2 we always need wisdom in what to do, what to say etc. #3 peace for us and our boys. So far they know what is going on, but they only grasp it on a 5 and 7 year old level at this point and that is enough.

Thank you again.


Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Udated update

Wow, when the Lord moves you had better be ready. It seems like for months I've just been waiting and praying and waiting and pressing in and waiting some more. 

He told me last week to schedule my appointment and as I've already shared I wasn't sure how I was going to do that... I didn't know who to call or even what to do. The Lord directed me and with one phone call I got an appointment and I just received the fantastic news that she wants blood work and and MRI before my appointment.

I was sure I would have to wait weeks and weeks for an MRI, but it turns out that it's all set! By this time tomorrow I will know exactly what I don't know right now, which is what is going on in my body. God is so good. From there we will be able to make a decision about what is next. I am so relieved and amazed at how perfectly God answered this prayer. Far beyond my expectations. Although I am not looking forward to an MRI, I am looking forward to seeing the Lord do amazing things.

God is good. I will let everyone know what is discovered.
In the meantime please pray!!!!

Thanks



Monday, September 29, 2008

Update

I have a Dr. appt. scheduled for this Wed. Oct. 1st. I will be seeing the Endocrinologist and then hopefully get an MRI scheduled right away. Thank you all for your prayers. I couldn't believe how quickly I was able to get in and even my phone calls were promptly returned. A direct answer to prayer. 

Please pray for boldness as I go to the Dr. That I would share our journey with confidence. I know there is a great chance of getting intimidated by the Dr. for taking the route we are taking. Please pray that I won't be intimidated, but bold and will know what to share, and not to share.

I will let you know when I get the MRI scheduled. 

Thank you all.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

My Ethan part 2

Even when they seem to have gone to the dark side, somehow we still can't live without them.

He really is quite talented... it's astounding at times.

At times he looses his head over the silliest things, but so far it hasn't been hard to reattach.

Sometimes his nose gets bent outta shape, but we try not to let that happen too often. I warn him that it might stay that way if he keeps it up.

He's all muscle and it's almost freaky how he's outgrown his head.....


Seems like just yesterday he was 6 going on 7 ... now he's all hormones and facial hair. It's like he's turning 17 or something.
He asked me to cut his hair into a mohawk too..... I'm wondering if we need to lay off the A-team for a bit. Self expression so far is rather tame. 


My Ethan

Ethan. My warrior. My dreamer. My musician. My lover-boy. My passionate son. Today he is turning 7 years old. Every year that goes by I say... "I can't believe you are 4...5... 6 and now 7!

Ethan has been wanting a few things for his birthday. He wanted a drum set, a necklace with a cross on it and some fake moustaches. He is my performer. He loves to be in front of people. So Daniel and I have been noticing an amazing sense of rhythm in this boy. Even before he was a year old he was drumming and keeping a beat that seemed impossible for one so small. We'd set up boxes or pots or whatever and he'd go for it. This year we decided it was time for a real drum set. We took him to pick it out on Thursday and he is just in heaven. It is very fun to hear him practicing down in the garage and see him walk up the stairs with a glazed look of sheer joy when he is done.

Stayed tuned for more pictures.

Thank you Lord for the gift of my children!



One year

Wow, I have been looking forward to this day and dreading it at the same time. 

Today is the one year mark of my diagnosis. It is also my "baby's" 7th birthday. It's bittersweet. I don't want his birthday tainted with the bitterness of the diagnosis, but it's so sweet because it was one of the best days of my life when he came into this world.

The Lord has been ministering to me this week.... just like He always does. This morning I woke up with Romans 4 going thru my head. 

"He is the God that calls things that are not as though they were." 

I have absolutely NO regrets. I have faced this past year with a stealthy confidence in His amazing ability to heal. I love that this idea was His before it was mine. I have fought the good fight every single day. I have done what He said, usually when He said it. I have no regrets.

So, I am still confident. He has been telling me all year that I am beautiful and that I am pregnant.... that has just been a totally perplexing thing to me. But it's been so important for Him to continue speaking life over me by telling me that I am pregnant. He is calling things that are not as though they were. 

When I woke up with that scripture I began meditating on it. It doesn't say that He changed everything that was not into something that was.... it doesn't say that he works to make things that are not as though they were... it just simply says that he calls things that are not as though they were. This may seem weak and a bit trivial for some, but remember He made the entire universe simply with His words. He spoke and it came to be. So, His very words are the most powerful force in the universe. That's good news!

Taking that another step. We are created in His image so our words are also very powerful. They can be life or death. I believe that is why He talks so much about "confessing with our mouths", and "being careful with our words"..... the power of life and death is in the tongue. 

So I have been following a scheduled reading thru the Bible in a year and yesterday the two Psalms were 113 and 127. Psalm 113 says 
"He settles the barren woman in her home, as a happy mother of children."

Psalm 127 says 
"Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in ones youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their enemies in the gate."

So, the Lord has reaffirmed to me that I must agree with Him and speak over myself what He says is already true outside of time. He hasn't seemed to think it was important to declare that I don't have a tumor anymore. In fact He hasn't said that once. He is focusing on the desire of my heart that has been stolen in this battle... my ability to conceive and carry a child. It's almost as if He is refusing to allow me to focus on this tumor, He is simply encouraging me to set my eyes on Him as He defeats this for me and then He turns and calls me pregnant. Amazing.


Thursday, September 18, 2008

Pirates

Don't forget..... Tomorrow September 19th is official 

International Talk like a Pirate Day

Everyone needs to know ;o)


Fall

All of the sudden I feel like I don't have anymore time. Our school schedule is very very busy and I'm finding I barely have time for normal things let alone something like blogging. 

I'm writing today for more prayer. I am planning to schedule another MRI soon. Next week it will have been 1 year since the original diagnosis and here I am, one year later. Happy, healthy, still standing in the faith the Lord has given me. The "normal" thing to do is get another MRI to see where we are physically.

I'm excited, nervous, anxious and ready..... ready to get on with life! 

So please pray that 
#1. I'd get an appointment quickly (I hate waiting)
#2. That I would have favor with the appropriate Dr.'s
#3. That the results would be positively tumor free.

Thank you. We will keep you all posted.


Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Hate

I hate this tumor. I hate it with everything in me. I don't dislike it, I don't think it's horrible, I don't just want it gone...... I despise it with a passion.

The Lord was showing me that if I don't actively hate this thing it will kill me. Even if it doesn't kill me physically it will kill me emotionally and spiritually. One of our favorite speakers put it best when he said "what you tolerate will dominate"..... I don't even want to tolerate this tumor one  more day. I have to actively hate it every minute of every hour of every day.

Psalm 40:1,2 was a scripture the Lord gave me a while ago, way before this journey. 

"I waited patiently for the Lord; 
he turned to me and heard my cry. 
He lifted me out of the slimy pit, 
out of the mud and mire; 
he set my feet on a rock and 
gave me a firm place to stand." 

The Lord said through a friend the other day "don't put up pictures in your pit, don't rearrange the furniture"... in other words don't get comfortable! Don't plan to stay in your pit. My pit is illness. I used to think it was also self pity, self justification and false humility, but the Lord showed me that those are my idols. I can't be rescued from the pit until I let go of my idols. When I refuse to be associated with this tumor anymore, when I refuse to receive anything from it, then I will have let go of my idols and I will be rescued.

Your pit may be something else. You may not think you are in a pit, but if there is any area of recurring defeat then you are in a pit. The good news is that you get to get out! The Lord has given you permission to be rescued.

One of our favorite pastors a man by the name of Graham Cooke introduced us to the idea of something he calls "crafted prayers". The idea is that the Word of God says that when we ask anything according to the will of God, He will do it for us when we ask with faith. That is a pretty amazing statement. So the principle is that you spend time finding out what His heart is for your particular situation and once you get it then you craft a prayer around that and then pray it! Pray it not just once, but over and over and over again until it comes about. Once you know what His heart is for you and you begin praying it, it is a recipe for total and complete success.

So.... I am going to end this post with sharing my crafted prayer with all of you. My prayer is a combination of some things the Lord has spoken to me in my quiet times, prophesies that have been spoken over me by other people and many of them confirmed over and over again by many individuals. Some of them have been so beyond me that I find it impossible to wrap my brain around, but nonetheless I believe them because He has said them. If you feel lead I would love you to pray it over me whenever the Lord leads you... I think that would bless His heart and it would certainly bless me! Thank you.

Heather's crafted prayer

Thank you Lord that you have named yourself "my healer"
and that you are rescuing me from the slimy pit
of illness.
I declare that I will not cling to the idols of self pity,
self justification or false humility.
I receive the key of honor that you have given me and 
I will draw near in intimacy with you in the 
garden of my heart.
I rejoice that I am pregnant with life 
and ready to give birth. 
I thank you that everyone who witnesses my miracle 
and hears my story will see and fear you 
and put their trust in you. 
May You be glorified in me.
Amen.

Friday, August 29, 2008

First day of school


Here are my big guys on there first day of  school.... when they went to meet their teachers at the Charter school..... Wasn't it just yesterday that they were these tiny guys in my arms.... It really does go so fast.


Thursday, August 28, 2008

Our school year has begun

We started our school year on Monday. Micah started Kindergarten and Ethan started first grade. My eager learner is Micah. He is starting way ahead of where Ethan started in K. He loves organization and patterns and orderly processes. Ethan just wants to "get 'er done". He works really fast and he's usually pretty accurate, he just doesn't want to waste time with the monotony of school. 

Micah wants to sit and take his time (usually) and he loves pouring over a maze or taking time to color a picture or making crafts etc. Since I am homeschooling both of them the major adjustment has been on my part. Trying to get myself organized enough to be able to devote adequate time to each.... It's been so fun to see them "get it" and understand a concept.

Anyway, we are a part of a homeschooling charter school and the boys met with their teachers yesterday and they are both the most wonderful ladies. The boys really love both of them, so we are in full swing. 

I am so blessed to be so fulfilled in getting to pour into my children and nurture them body, soul and spirit. Such a gift!




A bit o wisdom

I have heard that when you get a bee sting you  should take a penny and tape it to the sting and leave it for a while. The copper in the penny will pull stinger out and actually make the affected area feel much better.

So yesterday I had a chance to test this out. I was in the pool with the boys and I felt something on my back and went to brush it off and realized it was a bee and it got me just as I got him off of me. So I went and got my penny and taped it on and the pain stopped immediately and then I left it on for 15-20 minutes and then when I took it off the stinger was stuck right there to the middle of the penny!

Amazing. Just a handy bit of wisdom


Sunday, August 24, 2008

A Snoodle Tale

Once again I have learned a valuable lesson about myself from...... VeggieTales. My son Micah would be so proud that his addiction has ministered to his mommy.

If you haven't watched the Veggie Tale called "A Snoodle Tale" I would highly recommend it. It starts out very silly with a great lesson about loving yourself in a parody on Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde (not as dark as the original story) then it kicks it into high silliness mode with the silly song about a couple of people and their SUV's..... Ethan's favorite silly song. But the last part of this episode is a touching story along the lines of Dr. Seuss that talk about a young snoodle that learns how to love himself while he lives in a society that is constantly reminding him how worthless and uninspiring his life is.

Everytime this young snoodle gets an "epiphany" about what he was created for he tries it out (flying, then he tries his hand at art, finally music) all of which he "fails" at miserably because he is a beginner. Instantly he is surrounded by older and "wiser" snoodles that tell him he failed and paint him a picture about his miserable failure that they stuff in his backpack and make him carry with him to remind him of his shortcomings so that he will be sure not to try that silly escapade again because it will most definitely turn out horribly.

I am an eternal optimist. I love living life out in the open. I love to be on stage. Out in the open, I don't mind people watching me...... when I succeed, when I do well. Lately however (the last 9 years or so) this whole "living life boldly in front of other people" hasn't worked so well. I say "Hey, look at me, watch me love Jesus and step out and He will heal me, you can live like this too"...... I get people's attention, they watch with excitement..... 11 months later the crowd is getting thin and most have lost hope, walking away quietly, dismissing me as a looney or stepping up to give me the advice that maybe I missed it and should just pack in the battle and quit living such a freaky existence. I feel like my backpack is full of painful reminders of how living life on the edge, loudly, boldly shouldn't be done because it makes other people uncomfortable.

So what is my job? My job is to empty out my backpack on a regular basis. The young snoodle in our story climbs a mountain thinking he is going to remove himself from society so that he doesn't have to be painfully reminded everytime he falls.... believe me, that thought has been tempting ;o)..... but instead to climbing up to the top and being alone he discovers that the creator himself lives at the top of the mountain. As they visit the creator helps the snoodle get rid of the pictures others have put in his pack to make it heavy and he replaces them with a picture that the creator himself has painted of who he has created the snoodle to be. Instead of weighing him down it sets him free to fly.....

So here I am, on my way to the top of the mountain. I find that I have to go there daily now because the longer this adventure takes, the more weighed down I feel, not because of Him, but because my expectation of how this adventure would pan out look totally different that what has really taken place. Today I feel like I just got to unpack my bag and I'm feeling amazingly lighter and free-er and more hopeful than ever before.

I'm grateful our creator hasn't created us and left us out there to just "spin" but He is wanting to be involved in our everyday life, loving him, letting Him love us. That is how I want to live.

Monday, August 18, 2008

cuteness

Just a couple of quick cute things our boys have said lately......

Daniel is in the middle of  an extended fast, it always tweaks the boys when daddy doesn't eat what they are eating, mostly because food is such  major focus for the boys and daddy loves to "feed" (pun intended) that focus...... Anyway, every night at dinner time I will pull down 3 plates intead of 4 and Micah always looks at them and says "is daddy still starving?"...... A very fitting thing to call it.

Last night as we were eating I was discussing with the boys the new schedule for our school year. One of the new things we will be doing is being involved in a co-op on Friday's with the homeschooling group. I was asking the boys which class they wanted to be involved in and as I described each they had various looks of interest or disinterest. Finally they decided they wanted to be a part of a bird class where they will be studying various birds, doing projects involving birds etc. When they had made their decision Micah looks up with bright eyes and said "Are we going to get to eat them when we are done?".......

Finally we have trained our boys to do the killing of the flies in our house, something they are very willing and capable of doing. Micah is especially eager and quite good at killing these pests, not only is he accurate with his aim, he is incredibly powerful with his swat resulting in quite a mess when he is done.... often he will run into the kitchen out of breath and ask excitedly "Mommy, quick, I need the fly whopper"...... if he doesn't get it fast enough he will go after it with his bare hand..... not a pretty sight.

Boys are so fun!


Saturday, August 16, 2008

Do you like it?

New blog look...... you like? It's more me.... I'm finally getting this blog thing and learning how to make it my own. I also wanted you all to know I welcome comments. From those of you I have heard from I hear it's a little hard to comment. Let me know if that continues to be the case. Otherwise I continue to thank you all for keeping us in your lives.

Please pray for me as I get ready to begin schooling the boys again. This year it is both and I'm feeling a tad overwhelmed. Micah is very hungry to learn and it shows... he'll begin Kindergarten in a week and he couldn't be more excited. Ethan is not such a voracious learner, but he is still excited to start first grade in one week. Really looking forward to this new adventure... it seems like the one thing in our lives right now that is going well and that we feel we have some "control" over. We'll see how long that lasts......

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Anniversaries

Today is my parents anniversary.... I wish I were a good enough daughter to be able to tell you exactly how many years they have been married, but I figure it's about 41 or 42......  Daniel and I are getting ready to celebrate 9 years and I as much as I love my husband and as well as I know him I look forward to knowing more, and more, the way I would know him after 40 years of marriage. I can't wait until I can say that I've been married to him longer than I haven't.

My parents love each other like few others I have seen. I have always been inspired by their love. They are more peaceful when they are together, they know that they complete each other and it shows when they are together. There are some couples who just get on each others nerves and you can tell they make everyone around them nervous or worse yet, miserable.... Thankfully that is NOT my parents. 

Dad and Mom have weathered so many storms in these 40+ years. The greatest storms have seemed to come in the last decade. The loss of parents, a battle with cancer, they have seen their children suffer illness but instead of fear they face each battle with the skill of trained warriors. They inspire each of us to be stronger, braver and better than we ever could be on our own without such inspiration. 

Their legacy includes 3 children who love the Lord with all their heart. 3 children who are all happily married, and serving the Lord alongside our spouses. And of course they are the very proud grandparents of 10 grandchildren, all of whom adore "Sabba and Safda" the Hebrew names for grandpa and grandma. They are also the spiritual parents and grandparents of dozens and dozens of others, the extent of their legacy they will not realize on this earth.

Happy anniversary Dad and Mom, I love you.


Saturday, August 2, 2008

Weeds and Seeds

I am a frustrated gardener. I can't have house plants because it is dangerous for their health. I always kill them. My mom gave me a plant to take to college, you know, the kind that you "can't kill"..... yeah, that's right, I found a way! I had a plant that sat on my desk at work when I was in College and the janitor would come up to our office and look at my sorry plant and say, "Wow, I've never seen one of these look that bad"..... It really is a talent.

So I thought when we got our own home, our own backyard, I would try my hand at a garden. Perhaps outdoor plants would do better under my specialized care. Last year I had quite a garden. It wasn't spectacular, but for me it was quite and accomplishment. We actually ate the stuff that we grew and some of it tasted ok...... some of it didn't.  

One of the things I discovered about the ground in Santa Ynez is that it is unlike the ground in other places. It is rock hard! Even the "top soil" is just super hard. It is maddening. If you want a garden to thrive you have to own a rototiller or know someone who does and then put tons of topsoil on top of that. Unfortunately I don't own one nor do I know someone who does, so I do the best with what I've got, children and water. I send the kids out there to "dig" in the garden area and then we put water all over the ground and play in the mud, hoping that will stir and loosen things up.... unfortunately, when it dries it's just as hard as before.

So this year I was sailing on the success of last year and planted again. This time I guess I didn't plant deep enough. Our above ground pool flooded our lawn and garden a couple of times  and I guess washed away many of my seeds. The funny thing is I didn't know that so I just keep watering and waiting, watering and waiting, watering and wait.............. Finally I realized after about 3 weeks of nothing popping up that there was something wrong.

Then one day I started to see some green. I was so excited. Then I realized there was actually quite a lot of green. I was ecstatic..... So I watered all the more. Eventually the plants began to take shape but they didn't look like the leaves of a squash plant or the shoots of a pea plant or the furry leaves of a carrot...... I knew weeds would come, that is the nature of a garden, but because I had planted some new items I wasn't sure which were weeds and which were seeds, so I left them all and decided to pull the ones that didn't produce any fruit.

Last night I was awake late, couldn't sleep and the Lord reminded me of my garden and how I have weeds but there really isn't a way to tell if they are weeds just by looking at them. They are green like my squash, they need sunlight and water, but they suck the life out of plants if left to stay. On the other hand seeds produce plants that produce fruit that has seeds that produce fruit etc..... It's just like life. I may have a lot of foliage, a lot of green, but sometimes I wonder if there is ever going to be fruit. I have to ask myself is it bearing life or sucking life. Sometimes it's both. I do know that the discipline of the Lord is like a gardener coming in and pulling the weeds so that the plant can survive and then thrive.

I feel like my garden is getting a work over..... I think that is good, but it sure feels like a lot of disruption. I'm thankful He isn't content to see me grow a weak garden. I welcome the pruning.


Thursday, July 31, 2008

Status

Having a  blog has been such a weird experience for me because I'm never sure who is reading and therefore I'm not sure what to share or how to share certain things. One thing I haven't been sharing is HOW I am doing. I thought I'd take some time to update all of you on how we are doing physically and not just spiritually.

By now you know a lot about what is going on spiritually.... I truly am amazed at the closeness of the Lord through this valley. I suppose I should rephrase that. I guess I should say, I'm grateful for the valley because it makes me more aware of how close He is and has caused me to draw closer to Him. He never moves, I do. He has been holding me and speaking to me and ministering to me in ways that have truly blown my mind.

Physically, I am dealing with some pain everyday. I am still feeling the tumor pressing on certain areas of my brain. That feels a little unnerving at times. That is the only thing I really feel that is uncomfortable, I'm so grateful for that.

We are praying about quite a few things right now. Without going into too much detail, we are dealing with some changes here in California. We are taking time to fast and pray about what is going on and what our response should be, on all of this we will keep you posted when the unclear details become more concrete. For now we covet your prayers for wisdom and peace. 

Thank you all for loving us and for all your encouragement along the way. We are extremely puzzled by some circumstances, but greatly at peace. 


Wednesday, July 30, 2008

My healer

Last night I got some time alone. Daniel was at prayer at the church and I had put the boys to bed and it was so nice to just sit down and pour my heart out to the Lord. As I was praying the Lord told me to go back to my journal and read about this last year or so and what He has been teaching me. 

So I did, I went back and it was so amazing. If I have any "advice" for going through a season like this, or any season for that matter, it is to keep a journal. Especially a journal of what the Lord has said and is saying. Last night was profound for me.

All along I've been telling people that when the Lord woke me up early that November morning last year and told me to cancel surgery that he said he "was going to heal me".... When I went back and looked at my journal last night I realized what He really said is "I want to be your healer". Now I know that doesn't sound very different or profound to some, but for me it was revolutionary.

It means so much because what is going on doesn't necessarily have to do with an "event"... the tumor disappearing... but it focuses on a relationship. All along He has been healing me. He has been showing me things that He wants me to get rid of and pinpointing faulty thinking that I've had all my life that has been unfounded and even destructive. 

This small revelation changes my outlook completely. It takes away the disappointment of dealing with the every-day-ness of this illness. Secondly it creates an anticipation for what He is going to "heal" today. Finally, it is going to be an ongoing thing that only makes me stronger, gives me more to give away and creates an anticipation for a relationship that will thrive far beyond the manifestation of my physical healing.

How amazing is that!!! 


Friday, July 25, 2008

Salvation

Last night we were sitting on our bed. It was almost time to put our little guys to bed and we were reading a Bible story and then praying together. As usual Micah was restless and wanting to just run around instead of sitting still, Ethan was riveted to the story. 

As we finished we prayed together, we asked to boys to just wait on the Lord with us. After about a minute of waiting we asked them if they had gotten a picture from the Lord. Ethan had a picture of a guy jumping into some flames. He said it was a really cool picture and he felt heat on his arms. We asked Micah if he saw anything. He said "Yes, I saw a picture of the enemy and he was lighting a house on fire".... at this point I thought he was just copying his brother, but I continued to listen. He continued "then the enemy put a little boy in the house and was trying to hurt him with the fire, but Jesus came and killed the enemy and rescued the little boy." We asked him who the little boy was and he pointed to himself.

After that we asked him if he wanted to pray and ask Jesus into his heart. He said yes and prayed the sweetest prayer with his daddy. I wish we could have had it recorded. We had the pleasure of leading both our children to the Lord, but I don't think I could ever get tired of that amazing experience. It's usually the "everyday" things that turn into something amazing.


Friday, July 18, 2008

I love Vacation Bible School!!!

I have had an amazing week of being spoiled. The boys have been in Vacation Bible School all week. So from 9 to noon everyday I just enjoy a cup of coffee and 3 uninterrupted hours with the Lord!!! It's been amazing! I've found myself journaling pages and pages and having the ability to pour over the passages the Lord is speaking to me through.

This week it has been Hebrews 10-12 and James 1. Hebrews and James have always been two of my favorite books. They are so packed with insight that has been very important to me. I don't know if my life's message is perseverance, but it definitely feels like that is what the last nine years especially have been about. I can't name all the times I have wanted to give up and then they Lord inevitably has me go back to these scriptures and I begin to press in again.

Last night I had a major pity party. I won't go into the details because they are gruesome and unnecessary.... not really, but it makes the reading a little more interesting.

Anyway, we had put the boys to bed and I was exhausted and inevitably that is when the enemy hits me with discouragement, always. I've learned to never make major decisions when I am tired because everything looks darker at that point. So I was having this pity party and wanted to just give up call the doctor, schedule surgery and "get on with my life"..... something so many people have "advised" us to do.

My ever wise and amazing husband listened to me and cried with me and just was quiet. Then he asked if I wanted him to pray with me. I said "yes" and he didn't do much other than invite the Holy Spirit to show me where He is in all of this. Immediately I remembered something that happened a few months ago.

We were on our way up to Oregon for vacation and we stopped in one of our favorite places, Bethel church in Redding CA. This church is amazing in an of itself and after listening to much of their teaching and reading 3 or 4 of their books and visiting the church on and off for years we have grown to love and respect these people immensely. They have a prayer house on the grounds of their church and it is beautiful. One of the few places where you can tangibly feel the presence of the Lord. When we are passing thru we stop there and take turns praying and watching the boys.

So, it was my turn to go pray. I walked into the prayer room and it was a little more "busy" than usual. As I walked in I saw a young woman sitting near the door and the Lord told me that she had a word for me. I didn't make eye contact with her, I just took that and went and sat down a ways away from her and began praying. I was really getting touched by God and just enjoying His presence. I didn't know what to read in my Bible, so I waited and the Lord told me to read Luke 18. As I opened it I recognized the story of the "unrighteous judge". I won't get into it here, but you need to read it....  So I read that, a story of a woman who begs an unrighteous judge for justice and finally he grants it to her just because she is a pest basically.

As I finished the story I felt someone at my side so I looked up and this woman that I has seen earlier was there. She said "I don't mean to bother you but I just have a word for you." I smiled and wanted to say "yeah, I know..." but I just listened. She said, "I feel like the Lord is saying you don't need to beg him, He will answer you, and also that you are beautiful."

I was so amazed. The Lord was making it very clear that I needed to come to him as a daughter comes to her loving father, just knowing that He will do it for me, not begging. The second part I didn't really understand. Why would she feel like I needed her to say I was beautiful, but the funny thing is that that was about the 3rd time I had had someone at Bethel tell me I was beautiful in the last year. I don't think I've ever struggled with low self esteem so I thought that was interesting.

So last night I was discouraged and desperate and He reminded me of that word and I immediately received peace. One of the things that I've really struggled with is my changing facial features. Truly not something many notice, but I can tell.... The Dr. says it will return to normal when the tumor is gone, but in the meantime it has been very difficult, especially in the last few months...

My loving Father really took special time to minister to me last night thru remembering that word. I heard someone say a while ago that "the Lord never takes you into a storm He hasn't equipped you to overcome". Last nights battle was proof of that. As soon as I remembered that word I received instant peace and woke this morning with great joy.

Our God is so amazing. He longs for relationship with us, truly. That makes me happy.

Read Hebrews 10-12 for some encouragement.


Friday, July 11, 2008

More amazing insight

God totally rocks. Can I just say I have been amazed at the revelations He is giving us. One thing I can say about trials is that they draw us deeper and make us still so that our ear is very attentive to what He is saying and our hearts are very open to what He wants to do. He has my undivided attention.

One of my favorite books as of late is Malachi. It's a funny little book, the last one in the Old Testament and if you've never read it I challenge you to take a look... it has the potential to rock your world. Especially Chapter 3 and 4. But I'm not going to get into Malachi today....

The Lord has been talking to me through Hebrews this week. Hebrews has always been one of my favorite books and no matter how many times I read these amazing books packed into the Bible I am always changed, always seeing new things.

This week I was reading Chapter 2 of Hebrews. This particular section is talking about Jesus and declaring His victory in everything. The 7th and 8th verse says: 

"You made Him a little lower than the angels; you crowned him with glory and honor and put everything under his feet.' In putting everything under him, God left nothing that is not subject to him. Yet at present we do not see everything subject to him. But we see Jesus...."

I have this section underlined over and over in my Bible. It's so amazing and answers exactly what I am facing!!! It talks about Jesus and how the Lord crowned Him with glory and honor and gave Him terrific authority over EVERYTHING! Then it says, so hey, if Jesus has authority over everything and He is amazingly good and kind then why are there still horrible things that happen? 

It doesn't necessarily answer the "why" of it all, but it does tell us where to put our focus. But we see Jesus!!!! That is my journey in a nutshell. I know that God has made everything and has given his Son for us and has subject everything to be under the authority of Him..... even though it looks like everything isn't under His authority, we have to keep our eyes on Jesus and eventually His glory will outshine every other thing.



Some questions

I thought I'd take some time to answer a few questions we get asked on a regular basis so that you all will feel a little more up-to-date with us as we continue toward healing.

#1 Are you still seeing a Dr.? No, I am not under the continued care of a Dr. I will go in for my annual check ups etc. with my ob/gyn, but as far as the surgeon, endocrinologist or physicians at UCLA, I am not seeing them for "updates" on this tumor. I didn't see a need as they would just tell me the same thing they did at the beginning.

#2 Will we ever consider surgery? Only if the Lord says to. Yes, we are open to that, although I can't imagine going down a road this far and having to make that decision for surgery, but we continue to stay open to the Lord, we never assume anything, including that surgery is not an option.

#3 Is it growing? According to the original diagnosis of agromagaly, the tumor will continue to grow. 

#4 Once it's gone will it come back? No. The Doctor said this type does not return once it is removed, unless it isn't removed completely.

#5 Is it malignant? No, this type of tumor is not malignant. Thank you Jesus.

#6 Can  you feel it? No, most days I don't know it is there. Except for the discomfort of a ring that doesn't come off I really don't realize it is there. Some days I feel a bit of pressure behind my eyes, but not often.

#7 What is your time frame? We have no time frame. Our lives are in the Lord's care and He is taking very good care of us.

#8 How can we pray? Please pray for healing first of all. Even if you have no faith for that, we do, so pray anyway :o) Also, for wisdom and peace and direction. 


Hope this helps some. Thanks for the Love and concern and most of all for the prayers. If you are reading this, you have most likely been invited into our lives by us personally or by someone who loves us, in that case please know we love you and appreciate your love for us.


Saturday, July 5, 2008

One of my favorite chapters

Daniel and I are reading an amazing book I think everyone should read. It is essential for the Christian life and how we view ourselves in light of what the Bible says about who we are. We are only a few chapters in, but have already been deeply impacted by this book. The book is called "The Supernatural Ways of Royalty" by Kris Vallotton and Bill Johnson. 

One of my favorite chapters in this book is called "lizards in the palace". The essence of this chapter is lost without the story he begins the chapter with. It's a simple story about an interaction between his two grandchildren. One of them is a little boy who is 3 years old and his cousin, a girl who is 5. Although the boy is younger he is actually bigger than his cousin. They finished watching a special on TV about lizards and crocodiles. The little girl decides she will be the crocodile and her younger (but stronger) cousin will be the lizard. 

As the story progresses she continually tells her cousin that he is weaker than she is, even though he easily pins her down in a wrestling match and eventually the only thing he can do as a lizard is use his mouth to lick....

The analogy the author was making is that often times the enemy tells us that we are powerless. He "names" us and it is never anything powerful. It is always something meaningless or dis - empowering. His tactic is to keep us from knowing who we really are, if we know WHO we are then we will know WHAT we were born to do and HOW we can change the world. 

I love this analogy, I think each of us dreams about changing the world around us, and if you haven't dreamed about changing the world then perhaps it is because you haven't been awakened to who you really are. Changing the world doesn't necessarily mean that you will move in the public eye, but if you change the circumstances of one individual or place then you have changed the world, and we all do that everyday, for the good and for the bad.....


Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Happy News

My mom called today with wonderful news. My dad has been experiencing pain in the last few weeks... he wasn't sure if it was just the aches and pains of growing older or the craziness of his job (painting houses) or some bit of the cancer coming back. Somehow when there is something like this in your life the fear of it rearing it's head is always there and the Lord really wants you to deal with it.

My dad had a blood test today and the Dr. called them to tell them everything in the test was completely normal. Absolutely no cancer!!!

So amazing! God is so good.



Monday, June 30, 2008

Suddenly

Whenever we get the chance to get away to a conference of some kind I always like to take the time to find out what I received while I was there because I know that it isn't always what I thought it would be.

At the beginning of September we were at a conference and a person we did not know and who did not know us or our situation came up to us and told us, "I feel like the Lord is saying that your answer is coming in 9 months"... at that time we didn't realize we were dealing with a brain tumor, so at first I thought maybe I was pregnant. We were so excited. When we realized I wasn't pregnant we began asking the  Lord about that word. I was so tempted to be discouraged. Then the Lord gave me peace and has not let me forget that word.

June is the 9 month mark. Today is the last day of June. Now, I know how prophecy works. I could take that word and say, "Well that guy missed it"... or I could say "I must have done something to make that word null and void in my life" or I could say "the Lord really doesn't care and he is either going to leave me in this state or I'm going to have to get surgery and have to consider these 9 months a complete loss..." 

Believe me, all of those thoughts have crossed my mind. But then I remember who God is and what He is saying about my situation. Psalm 62 says "One thing God has spoken, two things have I heard: that you, O God, are strong, and that you, O Lord, are loving."

That is very good news. Not only is God strong, but He is loving. If He were only strong then I would trust his strength but not be able to hope that His strength would be exercised on my behalf. If He were only loving then I would enjoy his love and pleasure in me but just as my husband loves me he can't do anything about this tumor. Thankfully, the Lord is loving and Strong. That not only gives me joy, it gives me amazing peace.

So, I heard this awesome teaching this last week about the idea of "suddenly" in the Word of God. I am looking for the "suddenly" when the Lord will break into my circumstance. It's like pregnancy. It takes a process to actually get pregnant and then it takes time during the pregnancy for the actual birth, but when labor hits, it all culminates in a "suddenly" moment when that baby arrives.
 
Isaiah 48:3 "I foretold the former things long ago, my mouth announced them and I made them known; then suddenly I acted, and they came to pass."

I was discouraged last night. Especially about the fact that this process has been so public. I don't want it to end in anything but the fulness of what the Lord has said. The Lord comforted me with this scripture this morning. He said, first you make  prophetic declaration, in my case it was "I am canceling surgery because God is going to heal me", then you make a proclamation over and over again, making the declaration known, "I know God wants to heal me, He hasn't healed me yet, but I know He will". Then when the Lord brings the opportunity you act and the thing will come to pass. The "suddenly" in this passage was quite a process. It doesn't seem like a "suddenly" at all. But that is just the idea, that when we wait, patiently endure, hear the Lord, stand, believe, press in, grow..... the "suddenly" explodes out and our miracle breaks forth.

So, my prayer is that the "suddenly" will break through. You know you are ready for your baby to come when you look forward to the pain of labor to begin. I feel like I'm 9 months pregnant and I'm looking for the "labor" to begin.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

we're home

Daniel and I got back from Florida a couple days ago. It was so fun to see our boys. We really really missed them, I'm afraid we missed them more than they missed us. Our trip home was interesting. We had gone to sleep at 2 am and then had to get up at 4:30 am to get to the airport on time, so we were functioning on 2 1/2 hours of sleep all day and that was quite painful at times, but we really felt the grace of God.

We had such a wonderful time. We had the best trip ever. No complications of any kind. We enjoyed everything. Had several amazing opportunities to minister to other people and pray for them and that was definitely a highlight.

I think one of the major things the Lord did is break off all the heaviness that comes from living in California. Most people here are so naturally unkind and isolated. I have been amazed how much we had gotten used to that and bought into that over the past years... We felt like we came alive again in a way by just getting away.

We went to this Revival outpouring that is going on in Florida right now. We've been watching it happen for about 2 months now, the Outpouring has lasted 3 months now and so many people have been saved and healed and even raised from the dead, and it's been amazing to watch. If you haven't heard about it you can watch it on God.tv on the internet or if you have direct tv it's on there also. Anyway, we enjoyed the worship, the teachings, just the presence of the Lord and getting together with almost 10,000 people every night who are from all over the world and hungry for a new move of God.

Since we've been back I feel like I've been given new glasses to see out of. Even just yesterday going about doing my errands with the boys I just began asking the Lord for opportunities to touch other people and not just be in "go" mode. I saw three different people that I got to minister to... it was so amazing. One had just lost her baby the weekend before so I got to pray with her, another is beginning to search for Jesus and I gave her a word of knowledge that the Lord had spoken to me about her and she was blown away and so overwhelmed that the Lord had  spoken specifically about her to me, and the third was a woman who lost her dad to cancer 3 years ago and hasn't ever recovered from that, she is just now coming back to the Lord and Daniel and I got to pray over her and minister to her thru some prophecy....... So amazing how many opportunities we have when we are simply willing to step  out.

Anyway, it was great to go, it's great to be back. Thank you to everyone who prayed for us while we were away.