confession

I have a confession to make on behalf of the Burgess family. We have an obsession. I'd like to say it started with our boys and I guess they did have a bit to do with it. They love guns and cars and grenades and army guys and they especially love them all rolled into one..... Daniel and I were thinking of something we could watch together as a family and considering the following factors, we came up with one logical conclusion..... The A team. 

Thus enters our confession. We love the A team. Almost every evening our boys ask if we can watch another A team. We go thru the act of pretending that that is not what we want to do, but the truth is we enjoy it almost as much as they do. For us it's a nostalgia thing. Brings back memories of our childhood when we thought BA was the biggest guy we'd ever seen and Hannibal was the best idea man we'd ever known, Murdock was the craziest and Face the most suave. Now we watch and laugh that no one ever gets hit with a bullet even though they are expert soldiers, that it wouldn't be called a proper A team episode if there weren't at least 2 car flips and that the plot is basically the same every time.... but deep down we really do enjoy that we can watch something with our boys that isn't too violent (no blood ever) or too sexually explicit.

We finish our evenings and with a sigh say "Ahhh the 80's were good for something" :o)

Just to be clear

So by now you have probably formed some kind of opinion in your mind about our story according to your life, beliefs and interpretation of scripture. One of the things I've actually enjoyed is the reaction I get from people when we talk about what is going on with us.

One of Micah's doctors was discussing his health and in the process he found out what was going on in my body. He looked at me with a very puzzled look and asked "so what are you going to do about that?" I told him we are trusting the Lord, waiting on Him and asking him to heal me... Of course we got the typical, you are crazy look from him, then he said "Well, you know what the Bible says, 'the Lord helps those who help themselves'. I said "No, actually the Bible doesn't say that!" he was convinced that it was in the Bible and that I was mistaken. After a bit of arguing he said, "well, it's in my Bible" :O) I just smiled.

From that experience I realized I've got quite a situation. I love being open an honest with people. I think vulnerability promotes intimacy. People tend to feel more comfortable with someone who is open and honest about their life and experiences. But in this case our decision makes people face something important about what they believe.... do you believe in God? If you do, do you believe that he is good? Do you believe that he is distant and uninterested in our daily lives or personal and involved in what happens to us? All of this can cause relief or extreme discomfort in others. Being a people person and tending toward people pleasing, I don't necessarily like this position, but it's where we are and therefore a part of who we are.

Being on this journey of seeking the Lord for healing for others and now for ourselves has made me ask some questions, " why sosome people stay sick when it seems that they should be healed"..... One thing I've noticed about some people with chronic diseases or life threatening diseases is that they tend to deal with the horror of it not by fighting it, but identifying with it and making it an identity. I think this is very dangerous. I don't want to get so comfortable with this situation that the Lord has said He will destroy, that I become "Heather, the one with the brain tumor". That isn't who I am! I am Heather, the daughter of the King, the One who destroys anything that comes against me.

I know I will solicit all kinds of emotions, and ideas in each one who reads this both positive and negative, and that's ok, just remember, we are certain that the Lord can show us if we are out of line or in error about who He is and what He is saying about our situation. We are confident that He will give us His wisdom.

One thing I want to make clear. We don't think Dr.'s are evil or bad or irrelevant to our situation. It's just that the Lord has told us how to handle this battle and so we are obeying Him. I am positive that if we are supposed to go ahead with surgery the Lord will show us. Also I want to make it clear that I don't believe illness is from God. The Bible says in James 1:17 "every good and perfect gift is from God", it also says in James 1:2 that we will "face trials of many kinds" but those trials are to draw us deeper into maturity in Him through perseverance and faith not into despair that we have no way out. Now I am NOT a theologian, but I do have a personal relationship with the Lord and I know that He is GOOD and that His love for me is far greater than my love for Him. I know that He knows how to speak to me and that if I'm just quiet long enough He will!

We have several people who we trust that we have submitted our situation to for their perspective. They have freedom to speak into our lives as well. We trust them and their relationship with the Lord and the Lord has used them in our lives to give us direction and truth as well.

So, everyday I get quiet. I take my discouragement to Him, I give him my despair, I give him my frustration, I give him my pain and He always, always, encourages me. Everyday I look for my healing. That is enough for me.

It's very personal

I was born a naturally nurturing person. My mom said I used to be very "motherly" to just about anyone or anything. However, being nurturing when you are 5 and don't have any idea of what boundaries are and nurturing as an adult with a lifetime of insecurities and uncertainties under your belt are two totally different things.

I remember watching some friends go through some deep struggles, both physically and emotionally and not knowing what to do or say that didn't sound like a weak platitude instead of a heartfelt offer of encouragement and help. I asked the Lord to show me how to "weep with those who weep and mourn with those who mourn".... I was pretty good at the "rejoicing with those who rejoice" part, but grief and suffering is a whole different thing. Looking with the advantage of hindsight, I'm not sure how wise that prayer was....

Soon after I prayed that prayer we began facing major struggles in our lives.

I got married to the most amazing man in the world. We got to have a year of newly married life before I got pregnant with our first son Ethan. After a healthy pregnancy and a healthy birth we brought home a healthy baby and life was sweet and wonderful.... no complaints.

When he turned 1 I found out I was pregnant again. I never thought twice about anything going wrong... why would it! I'm healthy, I have a healthy marriage, a healthy child, why would it be any different. When Micah was born he looked round and healthy. He was a big beautiful 9lb. 3oz. chunk of love. When we brought him home from the hospital the Dr. called and said we needed to hurry back down to the hospital (1/2 hour drive) to get another blood test. They saw some problems that might be serious on the first blood test. Sure enough it turned out that Micah had hypothyroidism. a disease where the thyroid didn't develop properly or didn't begin working. If it wasn't caught and treated quickly it would result in mental retardation and a number of physical issues later in life. Thankfully they did catch it in time and they did treat it and with just one small pill a day and a heap of wisdom from the Lord, Micah is a healthy happy, perfectly normal 4 year old, getting ready to turn 5 in 2 weeks.

Whew, one struggle down. I hope everything else goes smoothly for the rest of my life! When Micah turned 1 we found out we were pregnant again! I was overwhelmed. Micah wasn't walking, Ethan wasn't 3, and here I was pregnant again! I wasn't sure I wanted another baby so soon, but there was nothing to be done. I was sick and emotional and very very tired. I went to the Dr. for my first appointment and saw that little "rice grain sized" baby on that monitor and I was instantly in love. I was thrilled. I saw that little heart beating and again fell in love with the awe and wonder of the Lord's miracle of life. My drive home from the Dr.'s office was filled with praise at the joy of another life.

About 2 weeks later I began spotting and within the next month I miscarried. We were devastated. I kept thinking, "this is impossible! I'm perfectly healthy, how in the world could something like this happen to me!" We mourned and cried and grieved. We named her Hannah Grace and allowed ourselves to feel the pain. We were surrounded with love and help and I realized the Lord was teaching me how to "grieve with those who grieve".... I was grateful.

Another year went by and again we discovered we were pregnant. By this time we were thrilled. Life had calmed down and our hearts were longing for another baby. But within the week we had miscarried for the second time. Now I began to realize there is absolutely nothing I can take for granted. Not life nor health nor love..... nothing except the Love of God. That was the only thing that had never changed.

On the day that I miscarried for the first time I woke up with a song going through my head. It was a song we sing often at church and it says "You give and take away, you give and take away, my heart will choose to say Lord blessed be your name." The Lord was preparing my heart and when the miscarriage actually happened I felt like I was in His wonderful lap, curled up and being taken care of.

One of my friends who has also lost babies through miscarriage said something to me that helped tremendously, she said "God has given me children to love here on earth and he has given me children to love in heaven. The ones that are here on earth I worry and fuss over, I pray that they will grow up to love the Lord, to love others, to be kind and generous and wise, the ones that are in heaven I don't have to worry and fuss over, I know that I will see them there."

I've got two little ones that I can't wait to meet. Still my heart rejoices that God is always Good!

A great anniversary

Today is my mom's birthday. It's also the 2nd anniversary of my dad's devastating diagnosis of cancer. The reason I mention this is because they have paved the way for Daniel and I to walk out what we know is true in healing.

When my dad got this horrible diagnosis both he and mom did something that I've been in awe of. They stood! They stood in the confidence that the Lord heals and I am thrilled to say that today my dad is 100% healed!!!!

Neither one of them ever wavered in unbelief. Neither one of them withered in helplessness. There were days of fear, there were times of doubt, but they always went back to the Word of God and regained their footing and kept standing on the Word of God. My dad felt the Lord tell him not to do chemotherapy or radiation. He changed his diet and began declaring the Word of God over himself and his situation and today he has been healed and is a living testimony of the Goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

I will forever be grateful for their faith and amazing example of believing that God really is as good as we hope He is!

My God is better than this....

So we left the Dr.'s office shaken but not destroyed. We had a 2 hour drive home and both of us were pretty stunned. As we drove and talked we felt this faith rise up inside us that the Lord had everything under control. That He was right in the car with us and that we could lean on Him. We began worshipping and praising Him and all this peace and even joy came in and by the time we got home we felt confident of His goodness.

A little background is in order here. Daniel and I married 8 1/2 years ago, here in Santa Ynez California. We moved here to start a youth church with His parents church. Everything has not gone according to the plans that we had made, but that doesn't surprise or depress us. We learned a long time ago that if we stay plugged into God, if we keep our relationship with Him our priority then no matter which way the road turns it won't leave us hopeless, but confident that He is guiding us. Still I wasn't sure where I fit here. I knew I was a mom and a wife, but beyond that I just wasn't sure.

About 4 years ago I got a job working for my neighbor. I was a caretaker for her just a few days a month. She has MS and needed assistance with some small things during the days her husband worked as a firefighter. My job was a delight. My employer had become my friend. She was a delight. Never in the 3+ years that I worked for her did I ever see her depressed or angry or mean.... she is the picture of grace. I grew to despise this horrible disease that had her captive.

One day as I was cleaning my house the Lord asked me what Iwas going to do about MS. At first I felt a powerlessness and wasn't exactly sure what I could do. Then I realized He wasn't asking me this to taunt me or make me feel impotent... He was asking me because He wanted me to do something about it!!! So I began fasting and praying and reading about every healing the Lord ever did in the Bible. I was so inspired. I was on fire. I felt like I had found the reason why I was here. I asked my neighbor if I could begin praying for her. I shared with her what the Lord had said to me and how I believed in His word and the power of God for us here today. She got so encouraged. It was fun. So we began praying everyday that I worked, sometimes if Daniel had the day off he would come over with me and he would play his guitar and worship over her while I prayed for her and we all just were overwhelmed by the presence of the Lord.

So as I went into this battle for my health, I had about 3 years of praying and believing for my neighbors healing in my arsenal and I was just as confident that the Lord wanted to heal me. I have become so tired of reading the Word of God like it's a nice history book instead of the weapon that it is. 1 Corinthians 4:20 says "The kingdom of God is not a matter of talk but of power".... I grew up in the church believing that healing was for today. I'd hear of headaches being healed, praise the Lord, I'd hear of broken limbs being healed, awesome, every once in a while I'd hear that cancer was healed, amazing..... but I'd never seen it personally, and that meant that there was something I wasn't practicing that I believed.... I didn't like that.

When you pray for others you are mediating between them and God. It's so cool and God uses that, but when I was diagnosed with this tumor, all of the sudden it all became very very personal.

The Invader

The symptoms are almost comical if you think about it. 

Beginning with my feet they have grown almost a size and a half (remember that scene in Cinderella when the ugly step sisters tried to put their big feet in Cinderella's sweet little glass slipper and they could only get it half way in... that's how I feel many days, many of my shoes don't fit anymore. Poor Anastasia and Drusilla, they were totally misunderstood )    

Then there is my hands. I can't get my wedding band off because my hands have grown, but when you are happily married why would you want to take off your wedding band?    

Then there is my monthly cycle which has stopped, but how many women would love to have that problem!!! What am I complaining about!!!!  

Then there is my head. The tissue in my head has swollen so that I have a somewhat embarrassing problem.... snoring! My poor husband. It was quite a problem because it had gotten so bad that I would wake myself up multiple times in the night and then when my little guys would come wake me up in the morning I would be exhausted!!  

Some of my facial features have grown as well, my nose (I notice but many don't) some of the skin on my face has gotten "looser". I'm so grateful for a husband who delights in me and is always telling me how beautiful I am. 

If I hadn't been diagnosed by a Dr. I would just say that I've got some pretty strange symptoms and might even be tempted to dismiss them.... the only problem is that we desperately want more children, kind of  a problem if you aren't having a cycle. 

So April 2007 I went to the Dr. for a time of  Q and A. She suggested a blood test and I thought that seemed fine so off I went and had my blood drawn. The results concluded that my prolactin levels were elevated. So what... seems innocent enough. Prolactin is the hormone produced when you are pregnant. Great! I want to be pregnant anyway!! The only problem is that I wasn't pregnant. 

So they ordered an MRI. I agreed reluctantly. My dad had had an MRI the previous year and from his description it sounded like it would be more fun to have my toenails pulled out. So on September 27, my oldest sons 6th birthday, I had an MRI. It wasn't too bad, if you aren't claustrophobic, if you don't have a cold with a horrible tickle in your throat that makes you need to cough every 5 minutes and if you don't have an itch anywhere on your body for a half an hour!!!!!!!!!!! Unfortunately I am a bit claustrophobic, I did have a horrible cold and I don't remember if I had an itch. Thankfully I perfected the ability to close my eyes and "find my happy place" thanks to having two boys that like to fight and scream at each other every once in a great while. 

About an hour after the torture chamber, I mean MRI, I got a call from my Dr.  We were enjoying our In-n-Out birthday burgers and she dropped the bomb. "You have a sizable mass on your pituitary gland" I knew where my pituitary gland was because of anatomy class in high school, I knew it was in the brain and tiny and responsible for growth. She said that the mass was 2 1/2 cm, large in the world of brain "masses"... (1 cm is approx. the width of a finger tip)

It wasn't until about 2 weeks later that I realized it wasn't really a mass it was a tumor! Wow!! I had  a brain tumor!! Crazy! I don't get brain tumors! Other people do! I'm healthy, have always been healthy, except for 2 miscarriages after my second son, I have never had any health issues whatsoever! What is the deal!!!

So we went to the endocrinologist who drew a detailed picture of the affected area in my brain and told us exactly what we couldn't see. The tumor sat in a small place right behind my eyes and was threatening to press on my optic nerve. It was growing and would need to come out otherwise my vision could be affected and possibly result in blindness. It was "squishing" my pituitary up against the wall and causing these problems.

So then I met with a surgeon down at UCLA. His job is to tell me more information. By this time I am over my head with information..... The tumor is a growth hormone producing tumor, the medical term is "agromagaly".... Bascially meaning growth hormone is being produced at an increased rate and causing my hands, feet and facial features to grow. He said if this had happened when I was still growing it would have resulted in an "Andre the Giant" appearance, I always thought it would be interesting to be famous, but that isn't exactly what I had in mind. Since it has developed after growth was completed, if left it will result in neanderthal-ish features. Hmmmmm, not sure what to think about that.

His prognosis. Surgery. That is the only way to take care of this. He proceeded to tell us all the things that could go wrong in surgery. Telling me that I could develop spinal meningitis, or worse... Worse! Basically he was trying to tell me what to expect so that if the surgeon messed up I wouldn't sue them! Whoa..... not exactly encouraging.

My husband looked at me as the Dr. left the room and he smiled at me and said "God has a better plan for us!"

Here we go

I have to say I enjoy logging into other people's blogs. I've been a "peeper" so to speak into other peoples lives for some time now, all the while thinking, "I can't believe they share so much information with the world, don't they know just about anyone can log in and read all about them..." Then my next thought was, "wow, I could never do that, that is too much information." So, I know what you are thinking... what has changed your mind?

A couple months ago after another encouraging conversation with my mom, she said something to me that made stop just before we hung up the phone.... "have you ever thought about blogging your journey before?" she said... actually she didn't use the word "blogging" I don't think she has ever used that word :o)... It got me thinking though. At first I thought, no way!! Then I had the same question asked of me by several others. Eventually I thought, "why not, it sure would help save time" now I don't have to answer the same questions 5 or 6 times on the email, instead I can type out my story here and allow others to browse at their leisure.... that part still leaves me a little timid.

So is birthed, my story.