One of Micah's doctors was discussing his health and in the process he found out what was going on in my body. He looked at me with a very puzzled look and asked "so what are you going to do about that?" I told him we are trusting the Lord, waiting on Him and asking him to heal me... Of course we got the typical, you are crazy look from him, then he said "Well, you know what the Bible says, 'the Lord helps those who help themselves'. I said "No, actually the Bible doesn't say that!" he was convinced that it was in the Bible and that I was mistaken. After a bit of arguing he said, "well, it's in my Bible" :O) I just smiled.
From that experience I realized I've got quite a situation. I love being open an honest with people. I think vulnerability promotes intimacy. People tend to feel more comfortable with someone who is open and honest about their life and experiences. But in this case our decision makes people face something important about what they believe.... do you believe in God? If you do, do you believe that he is good? Do you believe that he is distant and uninterested in our daily lives or personal and involved in what happens to us? All of this can cause relief or extreme discomfort in others. Being a people person and tending toward people pleasing, I don't necessarily like this position, but it's where we are and therefore a part of who we are.
Being on this journey of seeking the Lord for healing for others and now for ourselves has made me ask some questions, " why sosome people stay sick when it seems that they should be healed"..... One thing I've noticed about some people with chronic diseases or life threatening diseases is that they tend to deal with the horror of it not by fighting it, but identifying with it and making it an identity. I think this is very dangerous. I don't want to get so comfortable with this situation that the Lord has said He will destroy, that I become "Heather, the one with the brain tumor". That isn't who I am! I am Heather, the daughter of the King, the One who destroys anything that comes against me.
I know I will solicit all kinds of emotions, and ideas in each one who reads this both positive and negative, and that's ok, just remember, we are certain that the Lord can show us if we are out of line or in error about who He is and what He is saying about our situation. We are confident that He will give us His wisdom.
One thing I want to make clear. We don't think Dr.'s are evil or bad or irrelevant to our situation. It's just that the Lord has told us how to handle this battle and so we are obeying Him. I am positive that if we are supposed to go ahead with surgery the Lord will show us. Also I want to make it clear that I don't believe illness is from God. The Bible says in James 1:17 "every good and perfect gift is from God", it also says in James 1:2 that we will "face trials of many kinds" but those trials are to draw us deeper into maturity in Him through perseverance and faith not into despair that we have no way out. Now I am NOT a theologian, but I do have a personal relationship with the Lord and I know that He is GOOD and that His love for me is far greater than my love for Him. I know that He knows how to speak to me and that if I'm just quiet long enough He will!
We have several people who we trust that we have submitted our situation to for their perspective. They have freedom to speak into our lives as well. We trust them and their relationship with the Lord and the Lord has used them in our lives to give us direction and truth as well.
So, everyday I get quiet. I take my discouragement to Him, I give him my despair, I give him my frustration, I give him my pain and He always, always, encourages me. Everyday I look for my healing. That is enough for me.
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