It's very personal

I was born a naturally nurturing person. My mom said I used to be very "motherly" to just about anyone or anything. However, being nurturing when you are 5 and don't have any idea of what boundaries are and nurturing as an adult with a lifetime of insecurities and uncertainties under your belt are two totally different things.

I remember watching some friends go through some deep struggles, both physically and emotionally and not knowing what to do or say that didn't sound like a weak platitude instead of a heartfelt offer of encouragement and help. I asked the Lord to show me how to "weep with those who weep and mourn with those who mourn".... I was pretty good at the "rejoicing with those who rejoice" part, but grief and suffering is a whole different thing. Looking with the advantage of hindsight, I'm not sure how wise that prayer was....

Soon after I prayed that prayer we began facing major struggles in our lives.

I got married to the most amazing man in the world. We got to have a year of newly married life before I got pregnant with our first son Ethan. After a healthy pregnancy and a healthy birth we brought home a healthy baby and life was sweet and wonderful.... no complaints.

When he turned 1 I found out I was pregnant again. I never thought twice about anything going wrong... why would it! I'm healthy, I have a healthy marriage, a healthy child, why would it be any different. When Micah was born he looked round and healthy. He was a big beautiful 9lb. 3oz. chunk of love. When we brought him home from the hospital the Dr. called and said we needed to hurry back down to the hospital (1/2 hour drive) to get another blood test. They saw some problems that might be serious on the first blood test. Sure enough it turned out that Micah had hypothyroidism. a disease where the thyroid didn't develop properly or didn't begin working. If it wasn't caught and treated quickly it would result in mental retardation and a number of physical issues later in life. Thankfully they did catch it in time and they did treat it and with just one small pill a day and a heap of wisdom from the Lord, Micah is a healthy happy, perfectly normal 4 year old, getting ready to turn 5 in 2 weeks.

Whew, one struggle down. I hope everything else goes smoothly for the rest of my life! When Micah turned 1 we found out we were pregnant again! I was overwhelmed. Micah wasn't walking, Ethan wasn't 3, and here I was pregnant again! I wasn't sure I wanted another baby so soon, but there was nothing to be done. I was sick and emotional and very very tired. I went to the Dr. for my first appointment and saw that little "rice grain sized" baby on that monitor and I was instantly in love. I was thrilled. I saw that little heart beating and again fell in love with the awe and wonder of the Lord's miracle of life. My drive home from the Dr.'s office was filled with praise at the joy of another life.

About 2 weeks later I began spotting and within the next month I miscarried. We were devastated. I kept thinking, "this is impossible! I'm perfectly healthy, how in the world could something like this happen to me!" We mourned and cried and grieved. We named her Hannah Grace and allowed ourselves to feel the pain. We were surrounded with love and help and I realized the Lord was teaching me how to "grieve with those who grieve".... I was grateful.

Another year went by and again we discovered we were pregnant. By this time we were thrilled. Life had calmed down and our hearts were longing for another baby. But within the week we had miscarried for the second time. Now I began to realize there is absolutely nothing I can take for granted. Not life nor health nor love..... nothing except the Love of God. That was the only thing that had never changed.

On the day that I miscarried for the first time I woke up with a song going through my head. It was a song we sing often at church and it says "You give and take away, you give and take away, my heart will choose to say Lord blessed be your name." The Lord was preparing my heart and when the miscarriage actually happened I felt like I was in His wonderful lap, curled up and being taken care of.

One of my friends who has also lost babies through miscarriage said something to me that helped tremendously, she said "God has given me children to love here on earth and he has given me children to love in heaven. The ones that are here on earth I worry and fuss over, I pray that they will grow up to love the Lord, to love others, to be kind and generous and wise, the ones that are in heaven I don't have to worry and fuss over, I know that I will see them there."

I've got two little ones that I can't wait to meet. Still my heart rejoices that God is always Good!